Ritual Experiment Days 4, 5 & 6: A Whole Bunch o' Stuff

So for Day 4, I created a little gift for my grovies, since it was our initiation on Saturday. I made some Prayer Beads, since I'm such a fan of malas, and each bead corresponds to a part of the ADF Core Order of Ritual. I wrote a short little ritual to go along with it, so I'm counting the production of these beads and the testing of the rite as my Ritual du Jour.

Ritual Prayer Beads a la Tara

For Day 5, we had our grove initiation. Obviously I'm not going to blog about the specifics, other than it was AWESOME. It's really nice to feel like I have a family in this way, especially since losing connection to my blood family lately. I feel all warm and fuzzy. Grey Catsidhe (our fearless leader) put on a truly meaningful initiation, and as always, we all felt warm and welcomed. I haven't felt really proud to be part of something in a very long time.

As for what should have been Day 6, I decided to do another kind of worship. I spent the day worshipping The One Who Knocks, also known as Heisenberg. What can I say. Everyone needs some kind of escapism, right?

Actual Day 6 ended up being a sort of desperate call for help. It's no big secret that a lot of my life is in flux right now, so I decided I would just straight up pray, since I couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. I've been working a lot to this point with the Morrigan (weird, since I mostly write about Vedic stuff, I know. But the heart wants what the heart wants). Here's the prayer I use:

Morrigan Morrigan three times three, 

Hear the words I ask of thee. 

Grant me vision, Grant me power, 

Cheer me in my darkest hour. 

As the night overtakes the day, 

Morrigan Morrigan light my way. 

Morrigan Morrigan Raven Queen, 

Round & round the Hawthorn green. 

Queen of beauty, Queen of Art, 

Yours my body, Yours my heart. 

All my trust I place in thee, 

Morrigan Morrigan be with me.

Unfortunately, I didn't record the original author when I first found this, so I apologize to whoever wrote this. I do love it though, so I thought I should share. I look to the Morrigan when I'm about to "go into battle", and she always brings me her warrior energy. You don't fuck with the Morrigan, so I try to channel her energy whenever I'm in a bind. Turns out, she gave me the strength to push through what was looking to be a completely disastrous situation. So I thank her for that!

Ritual Experiment Day 3: Ba-BOOM (AKA Improv for Indra)

Tonight, we came home during the middle of a thunderstorm. So I figured I'd skip the usual ritual liturgy for the night, and improvise something for Indra, the Vedic god of thunderstorms. I'm going to write something down here quickly before I lose the inspiration.

Oh Indra...
Great god of the Thunderstorm.
I am grateful for your glorious show of lights, turning the blackest night into the clearest day for a blinding moment.
You bring me into the present moment with your crashes of thunder.
I am in awe.
Your lightning destroys forests, land, and human creations alike, and I am powerless to it.
You remind me that I am intimately connected to the greatest forces of nature.
You create forest fires so that new groves of trees may grow up in fertile soil.
You turn miserable humidity into fresh, cool breezes.
You water our crops and fields with blessed and precious summer rain.
I dance in your wind and your water and your fury.
You bring me new life.

I also gave Indra a nice drink of some beer I had in the fridge, since I'm fresh out of soma and all, and since I've noticed that oil just burns the grass. Oops. File that under lesson number two.

Ritual Experiment, Day 2: Chill Out, Man.

Uhh.... I screwed up.

So basically, when I read cards of any sort, I take any that literally "jump out at me" as being a sign that those cards are to be used. The Forces That Be and I have this agreement that I'll pay attention to whatever falls out of the pack, especially if it happens to be the exact amount of cards that I'm looking to draw.

So after a decent amount of shuffling, three cards fall out of the deck. The same three I drew yesterday. I turn them over in the same order. Except upside down.

Shit.

So I take this as a not-so-subtle message that entering ritual space while being completely pissed off from a fight you just had with your husband is a less than ideal circumstance. Noted. And of course the reverse meanings of the cards were all about "going against the flow of life's path", et cetera, et cetera. Okey doke, Kindreds. Message received loud and clear.

Oops.

Ritual Experiment, Day 1: It's All About Intention

For day one of my five month ritual experiment, I kept it simple. Like, painfully simple.

Fire, well and tree

As you can see, I had a lovely big mug of water for my well, a flameless candle for a fire, and my lovely cactus for a tree. 

I performed the SDF simple liturgy as previously discussed, and dedicated it to the deities of the Vedic pantheon. I plan on working with them each individually as time progresses, and let's face it. With 5 months, I'll have tons of time to get all 33 in.

As usual, my puppies were interested in what I was up to, so I was quite happy to share the waters of life with them as well. Yes, I used the well as the waters of life. This is an experiment in keeping things simple and manageable as well. I once read a quote, I forget who from, that the only ritual tool you need is yourself. The rest is fun, but essentially fluff when you get down to the nitty gritty. So we're going to stick as close to that theory as possible for now, for sanity's sake.

Pagan Puppies

The omens I was given were quite auspicious, I think. Very encouraging. I used Philip Carr-Gomm's Animal Oracle, and quoted some of the descriptions below. From the Nature Spirits, I received the Fire Dragon, which indicates courage, energy, and an "increased ability to overcome obstacles and to find the energy to cope with life's problems" (thanks Ganesha... got that message loud and clear). The Fire Dragon helps "fuel your inner fire", to help you accomplish your goals with precision. Auspicious, yes. 

Secondly, from the Ancestors, I received the Wren. Wren is all about being cunning and humble, which my attempt at liturgy this go around definitely was, intentionally or not (humble I mean... not cunning). So I take that as a nod for trying the KISS rule with my ritual experiment. Wren is about "achieving great things with economy and effort". Indeed. Cool.

From the Shining Ones, I received the Horse, which is the only one I had any idea about. The Horse is about the circle of life, and about voyaging, even into the inner realms. The Horse helps you to feel okay about life's bumps and bruises, and know that it's all part of the ride - the greater plan. 

Omens from the Nature Spirits, Ancestors and Shining Ones respectively

So all in all, I feel that this went pretty well, despite the fact that I totally forgot my other offerings of oil (for the Ancestors and Shining Ones) and birdseed (for the Nature Spirits). No problem though, just paused and went to retrieve it. Also forgot my oracle cards. Okay, so maybe things didn't go so smoothly. But at least I won't forget tomorrow. Hopefully.

Solution.

So after a month or two (or five or six) of beating my head against the wall, and some bitching and moaning on my protogrove's Facebook page, I've decided that for the "Meditation Journal" part of my DP that I'm going to do devotionals.

Although, like usual, I have to take it up a notch. It wouldn't be me if I was going to try something EASY, would it?

In asking the Dedicant's e-mail list, someone suggested some of the SDF devotionals. I found a short liturgy that can be found here. I'm going to do their "All Purpose, Simple SDF Liturgy". And I'm going to do it daily.

Daily? Are you slightly insane?

A) Probably.
B) It's short.
C) I feel like this is necessary. Even on the days I'm unable to do it, this would be helpful in the long run.
D) GODSDAMNIT I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER
E) This ought to give me lots to write about.
F) Success in this regard will be defined as me doing a ritual 5 out of 7 days per week. Even crazy DP students need a break, after all.

So I'm going to blog here as often as I can to journal out my progress. Should be interesting. And if all goes well, I'll be done my five months on January 5, 2014.

Feel free to harass me if you see me lapsing.

EDIT: Also, my goal is to have the remainder of the requirements done by Autumn Equinox.

Lugh-NO-sadh?

Today marks the end of my official first "Year of Pagan Holidays".

Yay?

I dunno. It's kind of bumming me out how people are cheery about this particular holiday, even looking forward to it! And the best I can do is muster good wishes in return.

I find the cross quarter days a little strange. I've always celebrated the change in season, even as a Christian (especially the Autumn Equinox). But celebrating the harvest feels kind of foreign.

Intellectually, I understand why we celebrate Lughnasadh or Lammas, if you like. Reaping the benefits of what one has sewn, whether agriculturally or otherwise, is an important event. Seems worth celebrating. But that assumes something: that we feel like we have something to be thankful for.

Yes, living in Canada, I know I'm more privileged than probably 90% of the world, blah blah blah. I try not to forget that I have a roof over my head, and food in my fridge. Regardless, I'm finding this holiday to be a little difficult. What do I have to be thankful for in my life? Truly? I just feel like everything is falling apart, but take a moment and be thankful for all the good I've manifested this year?

Hate to sound like an Eeyore, but I'm a little short in the "good" department.

I feel like I've been having my nose rubbed in other people's happiness lately, and I think this just adds insult to injury. Not that I'm not happy for my family and friends - I am. Truly. But misery loves company, and today, I feel sadder than I have in a long time. Not that I'm expecting anyone to notice particularly, or care, because I realize how hard it is to try to interact with someone like myself when I'm feeling like this. It's hard to bring yourself down to this level and sympathize in a way that feels authentic. I have this problem with myself sometimes, even. I don't even want to be sympathetic to myself... I just want to be someone else.

So what's a person to do, except suffer silently?

Not even close to being a rhetorical question. I seriously don't know the answer.

So although this is not the popular response, it's the one I'm feeling. This isn't easy to say, or write, or have read. Part of my ability to accept my situation has turned out to be sharing it, and realizing that a lot of people are in my boat and have or have had similar experiences and feelings. So I guess I'll muddle my way through, and hopefully next year I'll have something to harvest. For real.

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Annoyed.

I can't shake this constant feeling of being annoyed. It's like someone has been poking me on the shoulder for a few weeks now, and I just want to turn around and bitch slap them.

Partially, it's my situation. I'm totally stuck between finding the right moment to move forward, and feeling not at all ready to do that. I keep thinking about where I could volunteer as a starting point, and it just seems so daunting. I don't think an hour a week would even be doable. Firstly, who would want to take me on? I feel like a liability with all my health problems. And secondly, what could I even do anyways? I can see myself joyfully taking on a new responsibility, and then getting joyfully punted out of it after I call in sick for the millionth time because I'm too unwell to do anything.

I'm having trouble concentrating with my DP stuff lately. I am re-reading Vedic Mythology because it's just not sinking in. I'm trying to take a lot of notes, but my lack of ability to concentrate and digest material just makes me feel really, really stupid. And I'm not, so that's frustrating. People ask me about things that I KNOW I know, and I just draw a blank. I'm not sure what can repair that...

31 is a weird age to be stuck. Everyone around me is having families, getting their careers well on their way, and I'm back to being 19 again. It's horribly painful. I don't know what I want to do for a living, if I even had the capacity to go through with it right now, and I am by no means ready to have kids. I don't think I'll ever be. Let's face it... if I don't get there by 35, I think it's probably not right to try. So I have 3.5 years to fix my life, if it's fixable to the amount it would need to be for me to try and get pregnant. And what if I want to go back to school? How do I fit both of those things in? My life is slowly slipping me by, and there's nothing I can seem to do to fix it.

I wish I could just grab the bull by the horns like I normally would, and take that one big step out of hell. But I can't even decide where a good starting place would even be. 

I sort of feel like, why the fuck would I even bother? I know 31 seems young enough for those people who are 41 or 51 and starting a new career; it's all relative. And I AM going to go back to school... I'm not about to work at Walmart for the rest of my life. But 4 or 5 or more years of school at this point seems daunting.

The most fun part of all of this is: no one can decide these things but me. 

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