DP Requirement: Mental Discipline Essay

Being a 200 hour level trained yoga instructor and a Reiki master should make meditation easy, right? I mean, it's not like I haven't learned a ton of different ways of accessing meditation. Even yoga itself can be meditation in motion. You're basically meditating when you practice Reiki. Should be simple, yes?

Well, despite the copious amounts of tools in my fairly large toolbox for this requirement, I'm back to where I started. I think I'm going to have to provide some background for this to all make sense. 5 years ago, I had an hour-a-day meditation practice, focussing mainly on mantra work. That was on top of my daily yoga practice, which effectively grounded me and balanced the rest of my life, which was spent in more cerebral pursuits, having formerly been an engineer. I'd lost 100 pounds, and finally had a good grip on my life and what I wanted it to be.

I went from being someone who was successful in all of the ways you're supposed to be successful by society's standards, to someone who would do well to have a shower every day. I've had problems with depression and anxiety with my whole life, but this time around, I had to completely surrender to it. I had to quit my job, yoga, Reiki - everything. I've since become a shell of my former self. I am on the upswing now, but I've been kept prisoner in my own house by overwhelming feelings of sadness, panic attacks, suicidal ideation and paralyzing agoraphobia for almost 4 years. Having gained most of the weight back due to a diagnosis of insulin dependence (I refuse to use the word “diabetes” because of all of the cultural baggage and misunderstanding that goes along with that, despite the fact that it's due purely to a defective pancreas), my yoga practice has gone out the window. I don't know what my body feels like any more, and frankly, I'm afraid to find out.

All of this being said, I can probably easily convince you that meditation, in the purest sense of the word, does not come easily to me any more.

I've been working on this particular part of the Dedicant Path requirements since I started in late August of 2012. I started by listening to Ian Corrigan's Two Powers meditation on YouTube. I understand the concept of the Two Powers. Yoga and Reiki is similar in form. The bottom three chakras are your “grounding” chakras, which are in tune with earth energy. The top three are those that are in touch with your soul, spirit, and the universe. They meet at the middle in your anahata chakra, where they mingle and try to figure each other out. This is all well and good. I, at this point in time, have limited ability to feel safe and grounded. And, let's face it, I'm either too drugged up, or my anxiety is running too high to let my upper chakras have control for very long. The Two Powers, at this time, don't work for me.

Off and on, I tried various other forms of meditation. I tried giving myself Reiki on a more regimented basis. I tried Trataka (candle) meditation. I tried guided meditation. I tried listening to crystal singing bowls. I tried pulling out my crystal singing bowls. Everything either felt like I was just letting my brain have enough free reign to become anxious (and would usually lead to a panic attack), or I would become so ungrounded that I wouldn't be able to sleep. Attempts to ground myself would lead to feeling too grounded and unable to snap back to reality. Needless to say, many attempts were made, and not much discipline was acquired. These forms just proved really inaccessible to me at the moment. I'm sure there will be a time in the future when I'm able to get back into my old habits, but right now, it's really unfair of me, I think, to expect myself to be able to do those things. Coming to terms with that, with where I'm at at a moment-to-moment basis, has been one of the major things that Druidism has helped me with.

The past 5 months, I have been working on some form of mental discipline at least once a week (usually more frequently). To begin with, I started doing full-on COoR rituals 5 times a week. I figured, hey, these actually have a script. All I need to do is go outside, or to my altar, and “follow the bouncing dot”. I also wanted to try connecting with various deities, and figured this would be a good way to do both this and the discipline requirement at once. I even constructed a shrine in my backyard in the form of a rock garden: one area for the Nature Spirits, one for the Ancestors, and one for the Shining Ones. This worked for a few weeks, but eventually morphed into doing more simple devotionals. I started keeping Brighid's flame as well, which has helped me become closer to her.

Despite devotionals being relatively simple, I was still missing that feeling of connectedness to the universe, to Mother Earth, to the Kindreds, and, especially for me, to the Shining Ones, that I'm sure is the point of this exercise. I was still failing at finding what yoga people would call “the gap”, or the “space between thoughts”. That sweet spot where the infinite pours in, and you all at once feel connected to the universe and part of it at the same time. I've had that before, but I just couldn't seem to find it again.

The epiphany came when I was experimenting with making a quilt for a friend's baby shower. She is very close to Brighid, and wanting to form a relationship with her myself, it became a bit of a prayer/devotional/meditation in motion in its creation. I suppose part of me was literally praying that I wouldn't screw up this quilt too badly, but it gave me that sense of peace that comes with being in contact with that “bigger than us” power. For the first time in at least 3 years, my brain shut off, I lived in the moment, and time flew.

Since then, I've decided that this was the form my devotionals should take. I still dabble in the more traditional devotionals, and every once in awhile do a COoR ritual on a special occasion or a full moon (and have had some very profound omens and results from these undertakings), but making things in the name of the Shining Ones (and definitely with their help) has been the sweet spot for me. I've made a lot of my own ritual tools, garb, malas for mantra work, and divinatory tools. I've since taken up silversmithing, and have created many “shiny things for the Shiny Ones”. They both serve as a moving meditation in their creation, and a reminder of the Shining Ones' presence when worn. I ask for their guidance, I thank Mother Earth for providing the materials, and I thank individual deities for their gifts to me as I progress. For example, I talk to Brighid a lot while I'm working, asking for her to steady my hands and make me think clearly as to the best way to do certain things. I ask for Shiva's presence when I recycle old jewelry, asking him to destroy the old to make way for the new (and that the new will be aesthetically pleasing, of course). My creations make me feel grounded, less alone, and have been the only thing I've been truly proud of for as long as I can remember.

So, in closing, this has been quite a journey. I officially finished my 5 months of continuous work on discipline on January 5th, 2014. The best part is, that I have found something that I will absolutely continue doing. Creating things in this meditative way is not “work” for me. I do not feel like I'm paying figurative lip service to devotional activities the way I did when I was attempting the Two Powers, or the other purer forms of meditation. This works for me. And, let's face it, I'm not about to stop making jewelry any time soon. So this exercise, for all its ups and downs, was a complete success for me. I found something I'd lost for a long time. My connection to my Gods, to my Kindreds, and to my inner voice that whispers, in the quiet moments I've found, “you can do this – I just know you can”.

Ritual Experiment #Buddhism: Group Meditation

Tonight, I attended a lovely seminar at a local yoga studio with Lama Samten about Buddhist Philosophy and meditation. He chanted some (awesome), we meditated some (awesome), and he did the greatest part of it in Tibetan, and had his assistant translate. His assistant is Francophone, and so it was an interesting amalgamation of Tibetan to Franglais... I loved it.

He gave us pointers about when and how to meditate. For example, his suggestion was that we meditate in the lotus position, what mudra to use, for how long, etc. The most important thing he said, though, is that there's no "right" way to meditate. Using the suggested positions might make meditating easier, but it's truthfully about finding a way of doing that enables you to cultivate the best inner peace. Obviously, it's hard to concentrate on meditating if you're in pain or your foot's falling asleep. When asked what the "best" way to meditate was, it was almost like it didn't compute. Does it work for you? Then it's okay!

So apparently the solution to all life's problems is this:

There is a solution to the problem, so don't worry about it. We are given a good mind, and we can find a solution to anything with it.

This is a great reminder.

Keep in mind, just because something is simple, doesn't mean it is easy.

Ritual Experiment #14: Ritual Cleansing (Literally)

AKA: More Information Than You Ever Wanted About my Altar Space or Thought Was Possible to Generate

AKA: Altar Porn

Today, in a rare display of boredom and extra energy, I decided to clean out the "Yoga Room". The Yoga Room is the one space I have in the house where all my spiritual-type stuff resides: all my books on Druidism and Paganism, Yoga, Reiki; my ritual tools; my crystal bowls; my peacenik Tibet and prayer flags; and my collection of crystals.

It's also been relatively unused as of late.

My cats LOVE my Yoga Room, as there's lots of little places to hide, and things to knock over. It's also relatively safe for the dogs, as they don't seem to be in there unless I am. So needless to say, there was cat fur galore in there, along with things every which way from errant tails and curious noses.

So today, I dusted, de-furred, and reorganized EVERYTHING. My crystals are all shiny, my altar has been reimagined, and my books are all put away.

So I thought, while I was at it (and since it's so clean, for a change) I'd provide an in-depth description of my altar space's contents for all of you, because I know I have *so* many readers, and I know you're all waiting with bated breath. So here goes:

Very, very firstly, we have (some) of my books about spiritual pursuits. Yoga, Paganism, Druidry/ism, Witchcraft, Hinduism, Christianity... all sorts of good stuff, along with the very important stuffed animals.

I think I've only read like half of these...

Picky-tures

Here we've got an unintentional overflow from the Ancestors portion of my altar. I have pictures of my pets who have since gone Over the Rainbow Bridge. I have my black box full of my OBOD stuff, with a basket of scarfy altar cloth type things on top. I have a "prayer box" for Ganesha and the Tara here as well (not my namesake, strangely enough), in which I put little requests when I feel I need them. To the left, I have my trunk full of important and breakable things (like my great aunt's teacups), and on top, I have a basket full of more keepsakey type things, and a cute little wooden drawer thing that I haven't figured out what to do with yet. Every once in awhile, I will score during one of my Mom's purge-fests. This is one such score.

The middle thing is not "Green Man meets Sauron", I swear

Here we have my lovely altar. On the left, I have my tingshas for clearing the ritual space, my yellow beeswax candle for bearing Brighid's flame, and to the side, my staff. Behind that, we have my pillar candle and Ganesha card (pink) as well as some pressed flower petals from my yoga instructor initiation. 

At the bottom middle we have two little puja (offering) bowls (brown and black). There's a little green crystal that lives there too, and I'm not sure why, but it always seems to end up on my altar. 

Above those, we have some Ganesha statues, and my Sacred Well. It's also sterling silver, so I don't have to silver my well. I'm nothing if not streamlined. *snrk* Next, at the back, we have the Nature Spirits part, with some antlers and turkey feathers. My second world tree lives here as well. 

Sort of in the middle lives the Earth Mother portion, with a giant Moqui marble, and another small, brown crystal (whose name escapes me) that is meant to strengthen the user's bond with the Earth Mother/Gaia/what have you.

Above my Earth Mother crystals is my Ancestor portion. I have Paramahansa Yogananda, Gandhi, and my fur kids who've gone Over the Rainbow Bridge. I also have a piece of Preseli Bluestone, which is meant to help connect someone with their Celtic heritage. I chose those two people as ancestors of my heart, as they were both so huge in my inspiration to study yoga and eastern religion (can't really sum it up in one paragraph, or twelve).

Below that, I have a hematite crystal for grounding, and a rose quartz candle to light for healing energy/expressions of love towards the Kindreds. Below those, on the floor, you'll see my small area for Surya, which includes a prayer box, and some obsidian (associated with the sun). You'll also see a Farley face and feet.

The elephant in the room is my giant green dish-thing that I paid way too much for at Pier One. I intend to use it for placing any larger offerings, or to place crystals on during a ritual.

Crystal Lovin'

Here's the side of my altar, as well as some candles, and half of my mineral collection. I repurposed a doll bunk bed my Dad made for me as a little kid into a mineral display by painting it. Farley's feeling a little sick today, so I didn't bug him to get out of the picture. I've also got my copious collection of shiny glass mosaic candle holders, and some Buddha statues in the back. 

It's a teeny tiny crystal house!

Here's a Farley butt, as well as the rest of my crystals. I keep these ones in my little hut-thing to keep the cats out and the dust down. They're all either my more expensive or fragile ones. On top, I have a little singing bowl that my husband bought for me for our wedding. Good for clearing ritual space.

Last, but not least, we have my crystal bowls (in the big purple drum case), as well as a few meditation cushions. And a Farley. I've also got a few baskets for rocks I've found on beaches, et cetera, that I can't bring myself to get rid of.

And a stuffed doggie. Always a stuffed doggie.

I hope you enjoyed the tour of my ritual space. It may have seemed like an exercise in narcissism writing such a long post about something so personal, but I'm really proud of it. And it's my blog, so I get to do what I want. *evil grin*

<3

Karma Yoga: How to Care Without Caring

"Though the unwise cling to their actions, watching for results, the wise are free of attachments, and act for the well-being of the whole world." Bhagavad Gita, Stanza 3.25, Stephen Mitchell Translation

Be unattached to the fruits of your actions.

...

What in the hell does that even mean?

This is a concept I've been struggling with lately, and I think everyone struggles with. It is the source of a lot of suffering, or dukkha, in all of our lives. It's hard to do something and not want it to turn out the way you bloody well want it to. I feel like it is definitely a Western societal issue: anxiety is so rampant, people talk about panic attacks like it's an okay thing to have; like everyone has them as a part of their normal functioning. I recently found an ad for Ativan in an old National Geographic magazine. Uh... what??

The Buddhist tradition describes viparinama-dukkha, or dukkha produced as a result of change, as "the anxiety or stress of trying to hold onto things that are constantly changing" (Wikipedia, "Dukkha"). What if we could be free of this anxiety... if change was something we could welcome? What if we could learn to truly embrace the unexpected, regardless of our actions? What if we could abandon the illusion of control completely?

According to the Bhagavad Gita, action is preferable to inaction.

"Do any actions you must do, since action is better than inaction; even the existence of your body depends on necessary actions". - Stanza 3.8

If you choose not to act, you have still made a choice. So why not do something? Okay. So, all things being equal, you might as well get off your duff and do something great. But what do I do? And what happens then?

"Self posessed, resolute, act without any thought of results, open to success or failure. This equanimity is yoga". - Stanza 2.48

Karma Yoga is all about this action/inaction thing, and attachment to the products of these. I think of it as being the concept of doing your best, and letting the cards fall where they may. It's a hard thing to not worry about whether you passed that test, whether your friend really forgives you, or whether you should have broken up with so and so. This next passage speaks directly to it:

"You have a right to your actions, but never to your actions' fruits. Act for the action's sake, and do not be attached to inaction." - Stanza 2.47

You have a right to do what you will, but the results of what you do will probably have nothing to do with you. There are bigger things at play, and probably a lot more people involved as well that are just doing what it is that they need to do. Maybe some great failure will end up teaching you some great life lesson. Who knows? As well, if we could all drop the worry piece from our lives, can you imagine the relief? Imagine what would happen if we could just do whatever we knew best to do in the moment, and weren't hoping for a certain outcome. Our past worries wouldn't bother us, because we could know we did our best right from the seat of our soul. We could live in the "now"... and also be free of our future worries.

"So do not be concerned with the fruit of your action - just give attention to the action itself. The fruit will come of its own accord. This is a powerful spiritual practice. In the Bhagavad Gita, one of the oldest and most beautiful spiritual teachings in existence, non-attachment to the fruit of your action is called Karma Yoga. It is described as the path of "consecrated action."
         When the compulsive striving away from the Now ceases, the joy of Being flows into everything you do. The moment your attention turns to the Now, you feel a presence, a stillness, a peace. You no longer depend on the future for fulfillment and satisfaction - you don't look to it for salvation. Therefore, you are not attached to the results. Neither failure nor success has the power to change your inner state of Being. You have found the life underneath your life situation." - Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

It's not that I don't care about what happens. I do care. It's my life. I care very much how things turn out. It's that I trust that things will work out. Krishna's got my back, yo.

"Listen, Arjuna: I will tell you how you can know me beyond doubt by practising nonattachment and surrending yourself to me." - Stanza 7.1

The Big Goal, the end of dukkha, is, after all, the attainment of enlightenment. Down with dukkha, up with enlightenment! I feel like, at least for me, not being in control is a great source of worry, despite the fact that control is completely illusory. All we have in this life is what happens to us and how we choose to react. I act in accordance with what I want to produce in my life, and I totally freak out about whether it will actually pan out that way. But when has the Universe ever let me down? 

"Abandoning all desires, acting without craving, free from all thoughts of "I" and "mine", that [person] finds utter peace." - Stanza 2.17

Let's hope.