December 23, 2013

Ritual Experiment #Shrug: Crafting Meditation

I've found my groove.

I've meant to post about this about a zillion times, but just haven't. So anyways, without further ado: The Solution.

So some of you might know that I've recently taken up silversmithing. I made Solstice presents for everyone, even, and have made some things for myself that I'm pretty proud of as well. I've received many compliments about the stuff I've made, and it's still sort of hard to accept that I might be pleased with something I've done for a change.

Long story short, I've had some medication changes that give me a lot of extra energy. And not in a good, "let's get things done around here" way... in a nervous "I need to do something with my hands or I'm going to EXPLODE" kind of way. But I don't feel so doped up all the time, so we're going to consider the new drugs a win in a sort of way. Anywho, the one thing that calms my nerves, is making jewelry.

So I sit there and file things, and I ask Brighid for a little help in making this piece extra special for its intended recipient, and I ask Lugh for some help when I'm soldering a particularly difficult piece. I ask Ganesha to help me out once in awhile as well, when something is being particularly stubborn, and I invoke Shiva to help me melt down old jewelry or things I've made mistakes on, and I ask for his blessing when something new and satisfactory is made from the old.

So after all my struggle with the whole "meditation requirement" on the DP, I think this is finally my answer. Crafting meditation. Might sound, well, different, but it works. (And you can be absolutely sure it's something I want to do more than once a week that doesn't feel like work). It's the only time when my head is clear, and I'm allowed to let those little "Voices from Beyond" in. You know. Those little voices that tell you that there's something to all this living stuff, and there's something beyond it as well. The Gods, your Higher Self, whatever you want to call it. It's in those quiet moments that that particular divine energy tends to find me best. I feel grounded and in tune with the universe all at once.

And I also get some pretty nice shinies out of it. Who knew?!

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters - Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

December 17, 2013

Fuck It.

I'm over it.

It seems to me that no one gives a shit about anything, least of all me.

I try so hard to be a good friend/family member, but constantly have my feelings/ideas/stuff that's important to me overlooked and marginalized. 

How the fuck am I supposed to live in a world like that?

My counsellor says I am supposed to adopt a whole new world view about how things are positive, the outlook is good, people care about each other, and we braid flowers in each other's hair, etc. etc. How am I supposed to do that when everything just supports my CURRENT world view that cynicism is a very MUTED response to the BS that goes on around me?

This probably sounds terribly negative and all that, but I'm seriously at the end of my rope. I'm coming on four years without having worked, am in a probably dead-end relationship that I am exhausted of fighting for, and I have zero back up for all of these things. 

Something potentially catastrophic (but thankfully no one's been hurt) happened in the city I've spent 29.5/31 of my years in, and my husband falls asleep during the news report about the military team that saved a man from a construction crane in the middle of a block-wide inferno. But that's supposed to not be indicative of his level of Give-A-Fuck.

How am I supposed to continue to be sensitive, vulnerable and open in a world where the people around me are such GIANT JACKASSES?!?!?!?!

I don't know. I just want out of the city. I want out of my own head. I wish I were blissfully ignorant, and didn't worry about everything like it was my freaking job. I worry about the rainforests. I worry about sharks. I worry about polar bears. I worry about treatment plants and Lake Ontario and bottled water. I worry about when my car will need an oil change. I worry about checking in with everyone to see how their doctor's appointments went, or how their dog is, or about Tibetans getting their country back. I worry about Native Americans in this country getting a raw deal. 

I know it's supposed to be bad karma, to notice this, but it seems to me like I'm doing a lot of worrying about everything, and everything isn't doing a whole lot of worrying about me.

I try to be nice to the person at the counter despite the fact I'm having a panic attack. I don't know... maybe it's my well practiced and stony exterior that throws people off..... but on any given day, I'm doing well to get out of bed. I need some love. I desperately need some understanding. And I really don't think it's my depression talking that's colouring my experience here... I think people are genuinely being selfish and self-involved. I try so hard to take care of everyone else. I just can't keep it up any longer.

Fucking. Frustrated. Despondent. Over. It. Someone. Honestly. Help. Me. For. The. Love. Of. God.

December 8, 2013

We Are Still Missing the Point.

I have an issue to vent here.

It's about all the posts that come up this time of year about the "War on Christmas" or the fact that Pagans/Jews/Buddhists/Some Small Tribe in Africa are being marginalized by the prevalence of Christianity and its celebration of Christmas.

The truth is, we Pagans are the minority. Christmas is what is celebrated in this area, for the most part, and to deny that fact is just kind of out of step with reality. Why do we need to get butthurt about it? Truthfully, we're all celebrating the season for the same reason, more or less (the birth of the Son/sun), so why can't we just accept goodwill from people? If someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, why can't we just be like, cool! Thanks! Same to you!?

Rarely in this world do we genuinely receive wishes of ANYTHING positive, especially from complete strangers. Why can't we just alchemically transfer "Merry Christmas" into "have a good day"? Or "have a good *whatever it is you celebrate*"? Why do people have to dumb it down into "Happy Holidays" so people won't get offended?

One of our greatest strengths as human beings are our differences. It makes us into the prismatic, beautiful, multicoloured beings of God(s)'s creation that we are. Our differences are what gives us each something rare and wonderful. Why can't we just respect that in each other?

It's hard being a Pagan in a Christian world. I know. I'm really annoyed by Christmas music. I hate the materialism of the whole holiday. I hate the fact that my mother had the decorations up a month ago. But you know what? It gives her fucking JOY to get that dust collector red and green shit out. And that, my dear friends, is what the season is about.