February 25, 2014

The "I Quit" Manifesto

  1. I quit being somebody's lab-rat, and being at the whims of the team of medical "professionals" I have been given to. I will do something, or not do something, as I see fit, even if it makes absolutely no sense to anyone with an MD behind their name. My body, my mind, my choice.
  2. I quit on my dreams. Holding out hope for "a better day" is only stressing me out. I've been off work for four years as of my upcoming birthday, and the more I think about that, the more I want to fucking end it already. 
  3. I quit focusing on the future. I'm going to find peace in the moment instead. Maybe there isn't peace to be had, but that's nothing clonazepam won't fix.
  4. I quit giving a shit what other people think of my illness. It is what it is, people. If you know me, you know I am a crazy type A perfectionist. If you think I chose to be mentally ill because I'm "lazy" or can't pull myself out of it because I'm not trying hard enough, it says everything about you, and very little about me. 
  5. I quit caring what my "best" is. My best might be perfecting my ass-dent in the couch for the next 40 years. 
  6. I quit feeling guilty for ANY REASON. Including, but not limited, to the following: not returning a phone call, not calling someone on their birthday because I feel too shitty, not attending someone's baptism because I can't be in crowds, etc. I'm hard enough on myself without help from stupid social expectations.
  7. I quit attaching my self worth to what I "used to be" and what I used to be able to accomplish. That was then (and a very dishonest then I might add), and this is now. Now is nothing like then.
  8. I quit worrying about what some third-party thinks or decides about my illness. It does NOT equal truth. Third-parties cannot see me in my day-to-day things, and therefore, can't comment accurately.
  9. I quit doing anything that does not feed my soul. Including, but not limited to: attending Christmas ANYTHING, family functions, visiting toxic family members, keeping toxic friends around, etc.
  10. I quit being around anyone that makes me feel lesser for any reason. I don't expect anyone to understand what's going on with me, but I do expect people to be understanding. 

February 16, 2014

Don't Be Alarmed...

I'm merely using my current situation as inspiration for material. 

I'm pretty fucking sad. LOL. Whatever. At least I get a poem out of it I guess. 

Can anyone hear this?
I'm alone in the abyss
Comforted only by my own echo.

Hollow and sunken,
My head has been blown in,
Not sure how much lower I can go. 

Becoming a quitter,
Who will be my pinch hitter?
I'm not sure I care anymore. 

You've got to be loud,
When you're alone in the crowd,
Painfully slowly, falling to the floor. 

Time has been frozen,
Where has my mind been?
Lines under my eyes belie my age. 

Too delicate for this world...
My life not yet unfurled,
Will I ever have the wellness to turn the page?