Ritual Experiment #I've-Lost-Track: Smudging, and The Morrigan?

I took a smudging course at a local Native arts shop, and found it pretty excellent. More than excellent really... it was quite healing.

So after a day of sobbing for an hour or two and dealing with the aftermath of that, I got out my candle I have devoted to The Morrigan, and smudged the SHIT out of my house. I smudged the corners, I smudged the windows, I even smudged the yard in the rain. I called to The Morrigan and Kali and any warrior goddess that would like to help me out of this dark, deep hole I find myself in.

I understand that overcoming 30+ years of bad thinking habits is not going to happen overnight, but with this last bout with Major Depressive Disorder, I am entering the fourth year since I last worked. Entering the 6th since I felt somewhat human.

I apologize for my giant Twitter rant earlier. I have a dark side of me. A very dark side. Sometimes that darkness wins out. And you know what? It should. A dear friend posted an article about feeling what you feel, despite whether it's "negative" or not, and that was an important reminder. It's basically how I've got where I am now... by constantly trying to be everything to everyone. With the best of intentions, I assure you. But I'm working out what that is going to look like in the future. I don't want to be like my father, approaching 60, and still in the throes of a panic disorder, because he always has to be kind to others first, instead of to himself... ever.

A lot of people have been good to me with this whole... okay... here's the fucking entire diagnosis, just so I can say it out loud and stop tiptoeing around the thing...

Dysthymia complicated by Major Depressive Disorder, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Acute Agoraphobia.

Okay. Now that we have that out of the way, and you have some inkling (or maybe not, if you're as aware of these things as approximately half of the population seems to be... sorry 'bout it) of how heavy of a diagnosis that is, maybe you have some understanding of why every so often I go offside about the unfairness of people, the world, the Gods, et cetera, ad infinitum.

So yes. A lot of people have been good to me, despite the stigma that persists with a mental health diagnosis of any kind. I even hate calling it mental health... no other disease has the potential subtext that I might actually secretly be CrAzY. I prefer to call it a Brain Disorder. A lot of people have been understanding, and some have shared similar experiences. Some people couldn't give two shits, or just plain don't have any life experience on which to form any empathy for my situation. All I want is a little love, really. I don't expect people to understand, but I would love a little understanding.

It's really hard (and totally my fault, my problem, and I don't expect anyone to fix this for me... but truth is truth) to see my family and friends going on and having perfectly happy lives while I mindlessly pass my days feeling too drugged up or too anxious or too exhausted to do anything. I'm jealous. I'll admit it. I'm happy that other people aren't similarly plagued with an affliction such as mine (and I do mean plagued... ironically enough sometimes I will randomly break into stress related hives... #leper). But it really, really sucks watching life pass me by from the sidelines. You're talking to a girl who was at the top of her professional and private game, without going into specifics that would identify me further. And I went from being everything, to being "that girl that had a complete nervous breakdown in the office and sobbed for two hours straight before anyone came to help her". It's frustrating when people complain about being nervous about going to someone's party, when I can't even get out of bed because I'm so anxious. I'll have to talk to people... I might not be able to stand near the door should I have a panic attack (I still have those on the daily... the drugs no longer work for me)... I can't drink anything before or during, because I can't use other people's or public restrooms... I am deathly afraid of eating in front of other people.... you get the picture. It's hard to keep my mouth shut when people complain about butterflies, regardless of how legitimate their complaint really is. Oh honey... I am so on an exponentially higher level than that....

No one wants this to be their life's story. I'm scared that I'll never get better, and yes, that is an option as to what might happen. I might never get any better than I am right now. I might kill myself. I am passively suicidal most of the time, A.K.A, in a state of disbelieving hopelessness, and am actively suicidal sometimes too. Those times are getting fewer and further between, but every so often, like it did today, it'll rear its ugly head and scare the crap out of everyone I know. I seem composed and completely not-depressed in person to most people. I know. I am far too good at wearing that hat, and it usually surprises people to hear this about me. "I had no idea!" etc. It isn't a bad thing... but it gives people a false impression of what's going on with me about 99% of the time. I'm getting better at asking for help, but it's still extremely hard for me.

So anyways. Back to this being religion-related. So I had a nice smudge, and I called to The Morrigan and Kali, and any other beings that would like to help me cleanse myself and this place of the negativity. It has its place, but I'm long overdue to have some progress. I've dealt with so much shit lately there should be flowers springing up everywhere. Believe me, it's RIPE in here. I find a lot of peace in actively pursuing bettering my situation... whether it's journalling, blogging, screaming on Twitter (lol) or doing some sort of spiritual practice. It feels better if I feel like I can grab even an inch of control of this thing, illusory or not.

I really hope Morrighan doesn't have a problem with me mixing cultural practices.

Ritual Experiment #14: Ritual Cleansing (Literally)

AKA: More Information Than You Ever Wanted About my Altar Space or Thought Was Possible to Generate

AKA: Altar Porn

Today, in a rare display of boredom and extra energy, I decided to clean out the "Yoga Room". The Yoga Room is the one space I have in the house where all my spiritual-type stuff resides: all my books on Druidism and Paganism, Yoga, Reiki; my ritual tools; my crystal bowls; my peacenik Tibet and prayer flags; and my collection of crystals.

It's also been relatively unused as of late.

My cats LOVE my Yoga Room, as there's lots of little places to hide, and things to knock over. It's also relatively safe for the dogs, as they don't seem to be in there unless I am. So needless to say, there was cat fur galore in there, along with things every which way from errant tails and curious noses.

So today, I dusted, de-furred, and reorganized EVERYTHING. My crystals are all shiny, my altar has been reimagined, and my books are all put away.

So I thought, while I was at it (and since it's so clean, for a change) I'd provide an in-depth description of my altar space's contents for all of you, because I know I have *so* many readers, and I know you're all waiting with bated breath. So here goes:

Very, very firstly, we have (some) of my books about spiritual pursuits. Yoga, Paganism, Druidry/ism, Witchcraft, Hinduism, Christianity... all sorts of good stuff, along with the very important stuffed animals.

I think I've only read like half of these...

Picky-tures

Here we've got an unintentional overflow from the Ancestors portion of my altar. I have pictures of my pets who have since gone Over the Rainbow Bridge. I have my black box full of my OBOD stuff, with a basket of scarfy altar cloth type things on top. I have a "prayer box" for Ganesha and the Tara here as well (not my namesake, strangely enough), in which I put little requests when I feel I need them. To the left, I have my trunk full of important and breakable things (like my great aunt's teacups), and on top, I have a basket full of more keepsakey type things, and a cute little wooden drawer thing that I haven't figured out what to do with yet. Every once in awhile, I will score during one of my Mom's purge-fests. This is one such score.

The middle thing is not "Green Man meets Sauron", I swear

Here we have my lovely altar. On the left, I have my tingshas for clearing the ritual space, my yellow beeswax candle for bearing Brighid's flame, and to the side, my staff. Behind that, we have my pillar candle and Ganesha card (pink) as well as some pressed flower petals from my yoga instructor initiation. 

At the bottom middle we have two little puja (offering) bowls (brown and black). There's a little green crystal that lives there too, and I'm not sure why, but it always seems to end up on my altar. 

Above those, we have some Ganesha statues, and my Sacred Well. It's also sterling silver, so I don't have to silver my well. I'm nothing if not streamlined. *snrk* Next, at the back, we have the Nature Spirits part, with some antlers and turkey feathers. My second world tree lives here as well. 

Sort of in the middle lives the Earth Mother portion, with a giant Moqui marble, and another small, brown crystal (whose name escapes me) that is meant to strengthen the user's bond with the Earth Mother/Gaia/what have you.

Above my Earth Mother crystals is my Ancestor portion. I have Paramahansa Yogananda, Gandhi, and my fur kids who've gone Over the Rainbow Bridge. I also have a piece of Preseli Bluestone, which is meant to help connect someone with their Celtic heritage. I chose those two people as ancestors of my heart, as they were both so huge in my inspiration to study yoga and eastern religion (can't really sum it up in one paragraph, or twelve).

Below that, I have a hematite crystal for grounding, and a rose quartz candle to light for healing energy/expressions of love towards the Kindreds. Below those, on the floor, you'll see my small area for Surya, which includes a prayer box, and some obsidian (associated with the sun). You'll also see a Farley face and feet.

The elephant in the room is my giant green dish-thing that I paid way too much for at Pier One. I intend to use it for placing any larger offerings, or to place crystals on during a ritual.

Crystal Lovin'

Here's the side of my altar, as well as some candles, and half of my mineral collection. I repurposed a doll bunk bed my Dad made for me as a little kid into a mineral display by painting it. Farley's feeling a little sick today, so I didn't bug him to get out of the picture. I've also got my copious collection of shiny glass mosaic candle holders, and some Buddha statues in the back. 

It's a teeny tiny crystal house!

Here's a Farley butt, as well as the rest of my crystals. I keep these ones in my little hut-thing to keep the cats out and the dust down. They're all either my more expensive or fragile ones. On top, I have a little singing bowl that my husband bought for me for our wedding. Good for clearing ritual space.

Last, but not least, we have my crystal bowls (in the big purple drum case), as well as a few meditation cushions. And a Farley. I've also got a few baskets for rocks I've found on beaches, et cetera, that I can't bring myself to get rid of.

And a stuffed doggie. Always a stuffed doggie.

I hope you enjoyed the tour of my ritual space. It may have seemed like an exercise in narcissism writing such a long post about something so personal, but I'm really proud of it. And it's my blog, so I get to do what I want. *evil grin*

<3

Ritual Experiment Day 8: Flamekeeper's Oath

The past few days I've been feeling pretty vibrate-y (new meds)... so I stuck to some very simple prayers instead. I offered my appreciation to Surya yesterday (Vedic god of the sun) since I was up kind of early, so it's rare I get to meet him in anything but the heat of the afternoon. Still haven't been up early enough for Usas (dawn) yet though, but I will some day. Head meds make mornings tough; I can be groggy for hours.

Tonight, however, is my night to keep Brighid's flame. I'm a member of ADF's Flamekeeper group, as well as Ord Brighideach International. I keep meaning to spend more time checking out their website...

Anyways. I originally started tending Brighid's flame, because I was looking for a connection. Actually, I was begging for one. I have had a hard time forming connections with the Shining Ones, especially since it seems as though it comes so easily to others. I've since let go of this need to compare my spirituality to others' (it's a spiritual practice, not a spiritual perfect), which is no easy feat, and I commend anyone who is trying. I understand why people who are new can feel overwhelmed or intimidated. There is a lot to know, and it seems like everyone else knows everything in comparison to your measly amount of knowledge. Firstly, that's not true, and secondly, everyone has to start somewhere. But I digress...

Brighid's (Electronic) Flame

So tonight, I did my Oath to keep Brighid's flame. Yes, I know... you're supposed to have completed that by now according to the Ord, but we all know that Tara has to do things in her own good time, and not a moment sooner. Here's what I used, and I apologize to the author, because I copied it awhile ago and again have forgot where I found it:

Brighid, Oh Mary of the Gaels 

Guide my hearth with Your inspiration, 

Grace my being with Your healing, and 

Forge my strength of will, 

this night and forever more.

As I light this candle and speak my oath to You 

This I swear with my conviction; 

Thy fire shall not die within this hearth, 

for nightly shall it be smoored, 

Only to grow the following morn.. 

And in Your name shall it burn 

to guard this home from harm.

Simple, yet effective. I guess the "nightly" part is the only part that doesn't work, but I'm pretty sure she knows what I mean. Fortnightly? Plus a bit?

I didn't have much time to ponder this lovely Oath, as, you know, life being life, my husband decided to finish what he was doing to see what I was doing about midway through. So we'll chalk this one up to chaos trying to take over and not take ourselves too seriously.

The irony is not lost on me that I recently introduced my husband to Eris. 

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Ritual Experiment Days 4, 5 & 6: A Whole Bunch o' Stuff

So for Day 4, I created a little gift for my grovies, since it was our initiation on Saturday. I made some Prayer Beads, since I'm such a fan of malas, and each bead corresponds to a part of the ADF Core Order of Ritual. I wrote a short little ritual to go along with it, so I'm counting the production of these beads and the testing of the rite as my Ritual du Jour.

Ritual Prayer Beads a la Tara

For Day 5, we had our grove initiation. Obviously I'm not going to blog about the specifics, other than it was AWESOME. It's really nice to feel like I have a family in this way, especially since losing connection to my blood family lately. I feel all warm and fuzzy. Grey Catsidhe (our fearless leader) put on a truly meaningful initiation, and as always, we all felt warm and welcomed. I haven't felt really proud to be part of something in a very long time.

As for what should have been Day 6, I decided to do another kind of worship. I spent the day worshipping The One Who Knocks, also known as Heisenberg. What can I say. Everyone needs some kind of escapism, right?

Actual Day 6 ended up being a sort of desperate call for help. It's no big secret that a lot of my life is in flux right now, so I decided I would just straight up pray, since I couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. I've been working a lot to this point with the Morrigan (weird, since I mostly write about Vedic stuff, I know. But the heart wants what the heart wants). Here's the prayer I use:

Morrigan Morrigan three times three, 

Hear the words I ask of thee. 

Grant me vision, Grant me power, 

Cheer me in my darkest hour. 

As the night overtakes the day, 

Morrigan Morrigan light my way. 

Morrigan Morrigan Raven Queen, 

Round & round the Hawthorn green. 

Queen of beauty, Queen of Art, 

Yours my body, Yours my heart. 

All my trust I place in thee, 

Morrigan Morrigan be with me.

Unfortunately, I didn't record the original author when I first found this, so I apologize to whoever wrote this. I do love it though, so I thought I should share. I look to the Morrigan when I'm about to "go into battle", and she always brings me her warrior energy. You don't fuck with the Morrigan, so I try to channel her energy whenever I'm in a bind. Turns out, she gave me the strength to push through what was looking to be a completely disastrous situation. So I thank her for that!