Ritual Experiment #Buddhism: Group Meditation

Tonight, I attended a lovely seminar at a local yoga studio with Lama Samten about Buddhist Philosophy and meditation. He chanted some (awesome), we meditated some (awesome), and he did the greatest part of it in Tibetan, and had his assistant translate. His assistant is Francophone, and so it was an interesting amalgamation of Tibetan to Franglais... I loved it.

He gave us pointers about when and how to meditate. For example, his suggestion was that we meditate in the lotus position, what mudra to use, for how long, etc. The most important thing he said, though, is that there's no "right" way to meditate. Using the suggested positions might make meditating easier, but it's truthfully about finding a way of doing that enables you to cultivate the best inner peace. Obviously, it's hard to concentrate on meditating if you're in pain or your foot's falling asleep. When asked what the "best" way to meditate was, it was almost like it didn't compute. Does it work for you? Then it's okay!

So apparently the solution to all life's problems is this:

There is a solution to the problem, so don't worry about it. We are given a good mind, and we can find a solution to anything with it.

This is a great reminder.

Keep in mind, just because something is simple, doesn't mean it is easy.

Ritual Experiment #I've-Lost-Track: Smudging, and The Morrigan?

I took a smudging course at a local Native arts shop, and found it pretty excellent. More than excellent really... it was quite healing.

So after a day of sobbing for an hour or two and dealing with the aftermath of that, I got out my candle I have devoted to The Morrigan, and smudged the SHIT out of my house. I smudged the corners, I smudged the windows, I even smudged the yard in the rain. I called to The Morrigan and Kali and any warrior goddess that would like to help me out of this dark, deep hole I find myself in.

I understand that overcoming 30+ years of bad thinking habits is not going to happen overnight, but with this last bout with Major Depressive Disorder, I am entering the fourth year since I last worked. Entering the 6th since I felt somewhat human.

I apologize for my giant Twitter rant earlier. I have a dark side of me. A very dark side. Sometimes that darkness wins out. And you know what? It should. A dear friend posted an article about feeling what you feel, despite whether it's "negative" or not, and that was an important reminder. It's basically how I've got where I am now... by constantly trying to be everything to everyone. With the best of intentions, I assure you. But I'm working out what that is going to look like in the future. I don't want to be like my father, approaching 60, and still in the throes of a panic disorder, because he always has to be kind to others first, instead of to himself... ever.

A lot of people have been good to me with this whole... okay... here's the fucking entire diagnosis, just so I can say it out loud and stop tiptoeing around the thing...

Dysthymia complicated by Major Depressive Disorder, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Acute Agoraphobia.

Okay. Now that we have that out of the way, and you have some inkling (or maybe not, if you're as aware of these things as approximately half of the population seems to be... sorry 'bout it) of how heavy of a diagnosis that is, maybe you have some understanding of why every so often I go offside about the unfairness of people, the world, the Gods, et cetera, ad infinitum.

So yes. A lot of people have been good to me, despite the stigma that persists with a mental health diagnosis of any kind. I even hate calling it mental health... no other disease has the potential subtext that I might actually secretly be CrAzY. I prefer to call it a Brain Disorder. A lot of people have been understanding, and some have shared similar experiences. Some people couldn't give two shits, or just plain don't have any life experience on which to form any empathy for my situation. All I want is a little love, really. I don't expect people to understand, but I would love a little understanding.

It's really hard (and totally my fault, my problem, and I don't expect anyone to fix this for me... but truth is truth) to see my family and friends going on and having perfectly happy lives while I mindlessly pass my days feeling too drugged up or too anxious or too exhausted to do anything. I'm jealous. I'll admit it. I'm happy that other people aren't similarly plagued with an affliction such as mine (and I do mean plagued... ironically enough sometimes I will randomly break into stress related hives... #leper). But it really, really sucks watching life pass me by from the sidelines. You're talking to a girl who was at the top of her professional and private game, without going into specifics that would identify me further. And I went from being everything, to being "that girl that had a complete nervous breakdown in the office and sobbed for two hours straight before anyone came to help her". It's frustrating when people complain about being nervous about going to someone's party, when I can't even get out of bed because I'm so anxious. I'll have to talk to people... I might not be able to stand near the door should I have a panic attack (I still have those on the daily... the drugs no longer work for me)... I can't drink anything before or during, because I can't use other people's or public restrooms... I am deathly afraid of eating in front of other people.... you get the picture. It's hard to keep my mouth shut when people complain about butterflies, regardless of how legitimate their complaint really is. Oh honey... I am so on an exponentially higher level than that....

No one wants this to be their life's story. I'm scared that I'll never get better, and yes, that is an option as to what might happen. I might never get any better than I am right now. I might kill myself. I am passively suicidal most of the time, A.K.A, in a state of disbelieving hopelessness, and am actively suicidal sometimes too. Those times are getting fewer and further between, but every so often, like it did today, it'll rear its ugly head and scare the crap out of everyone I know. I seem composed and completely not-depressed in person to most people. I know. I am far too good at wearing that hat, and it usually surprises people to hear this about me. "I had no idea!" etc. It isn't a bad thing... but it gives people a false impression of what's going on with me about 99% of the time. I'm getting better at asking for help, but it's still extremely hard for me.

So anyways. Back to this being religion-related. So I had a nice smudge, and I called to The Morrigan and Kali, and any other beings that would like to help me cleanse myself and this place of the negativity. It has its place, but I'm long overdue to have some progress. I've dealt with so much shit lately there should be flowers springing up everywhere. Believe me, it's RIPE in here. I find a lot of peace in actively pursuing bettering my situation... whether it's journalling, blogging, screaming on Twitter (lol) or doing some sort of spiritual practice. It feels better if I feel like I can grab even an inch of control of this thing, illusory or not.

I really hope Morrighan doesn't have a problem with me mixing cultural practices.

Ritual Experiment #15: Jaya Ganesha!

So obviously I haven't been blogging every day. As you do more and more of these, they tend to start sounding samey-samey. So, I'm just writing about the particularly interesting ones. Okay? Okay.

So for Ganesha Chaturthi this past Monday, I went all out. Ganesha is the deity I work with most, I guess you'd say, so I decided to throw him a veritable party. I aggregated some ideas from various websites (that being one of them... gotta start bookmarking this stuff), and used what I liked most, and what seemed to be the most true for how I feel about how Ganesha works in my life. Here's what I did, and what you'll need if you ever want to undertake such a ritual.

List of Ritual Accoutrements:

- Red sandal paste (in this case, I put a sandalwood mala I had in a special container of water)
- Rice
- Flowers (hibiscus is supposedly Ganesha's favourite... I used white roses)
- Milk
- Curd (I used good ol' cheddar. Improvisation for the win)
- Ghee (I used butter. Ain't nobody got time for clarifyin')
- Honey
- Sugar
- A dishrag/face cloth
- White thread
- Grass (there's a specific Indian kind that you're supposed to use, but I just went with "green")
- Leaves
- Incense (in my case, a Nag Champa candle)
- Candy (I hope Ganesh likes sour cherry blasters)
- Dried fruit
- Nuts
- Clove
- Cinnamon
- Perfume (scented after shower spray?)
- Coins
- Cauldron, or something to wash your hands in
- Sacred water
- Some kind of Ganesh idol
- Probably a few extra bowls

And don't forget the patio furniture!

Here's the ritual outline. I don't claim to be a Hindu, and Ganesha isn't technically a part of the Vedic pantheon (he's post-Vedic), so I hope I don't offend both Hindus and Druids by undertaking this mishmash ritual. All experiments are undertaken with the utmost respect. Scout's honour!

Say: Vakratund mahakay suryakoti samaphraba. Nirvignan kuru me dev sarvakaryesu sarvada.

Walk counterclockwise around the Ganesh idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah x 3

Say: Aum x 3

Take a sip of sacred water.

Say: Please purify me, Ganesha, that I may offer you praise.

Wash hands.

Sprinkle Ganesha with rice grains and flowers.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah asanam samarpayami.

Wash Ganesha's feet with rice and sandalwood infused water.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah padyam samarpayami.

Wash Ganesha's hands with water mixed with rice and flowers.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah samarpayami.

Offer the idol water three times while chanting aum shri Ganeshya namah achmaneeyam samarpayami.

Bathe idol with milk, curd, sugar, and honey.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah panchamrita snanam samarpayami.

Bathe Ganesha with water, then milk.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah payah snanam samarpayami.

Present the idol with curd (cheese).

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah dadhi snanam samarpayami.

Present the idol with ghee (butter)

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah grut snanam samarpayami.

Present the idol with honey.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah madhu snanam samarpayami.

Present the idol with sugar.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah sarkara snanam samarpayami.

Offer the idol sacred water, and wipe it clean.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah uttaraposhnam samarpayami.

Place two white threads around the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah yagyopveetam samarpayami.

Sprinkle rice on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah akshtam samarpayami.

Sprinkle flowers on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah puspam samarpayami.

Sprinkle grass on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah purvan kuran samarpayami.

Sprinkle leaves on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah bilvapatram samarpayami.

Bathe the idol with incense.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah bhoopam agrapyami.

Bathe the idol with candlelight.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah deepam parshyami.

Sprinkle sweets on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah naivedyam samarpayami.

Sprinkle fruit on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah phalam samarpayami.

Sprinkle the nuts, clove, and cinnamon on the idol.

Say: Aum shri ganeshya tamboolam samarpayami.

Anoint the idol with perfume.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah stram samarpayami.

Offer Ganesha coins.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah dakshinam samarpayami.

Sprinkle Ganesha with water containing the rice, flowers, and grass.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah vishesh argyam samarpayami.

Bow before Ganesha.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah.

Walk clockwise around the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah pradakshinam samarpayami.

Holy crap. Okay. So if you're still reading, CONGRATULATIONS! And THANK YOU! This is absolutely the most work I've ever put into a ritual in my personal practice. 

... I need a bigger Ganesh.

How did it feel? Well... other than busy, it felt really good. I really wanted to do Ganesha some serious honour, and I truly went all out. I don't have a whole lot of energy for much, so this was no small undertaking. I felt really centered after the ritual, and placed the offerings in the Shining Ones area of my rock garden at the end of my yard. It felt appropriate, I guess, and I felt connected to the day in a way I haven't yet experienced. As small as my celebrations were compared to what must happen in India, it felt grandiose and exotic enough to transport me, even for a moment or two. And of course, there's nothing like trying to pronounce Sanskrit to make you feel like you're somewhere else.

Rose love for the Trunk-ed One

So, to sum it up, honey is really hard to get off of wooden statues. Dogs will try to eat anything (yes, even sour cherry blasters). And hopefully there's a balance to be struck between intention (a.k.a. not having time to clarify your butter) and replication (a.k.a. attempting to speak ancient languages). 

Replication might be too strong a word for the latter.

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Ritual Experiment #14: Ritual Cleansing (Literally)

AKA: More Information Than You Ever Wanted About my Altar Space or Thought Was Possible to Generate

AKA: Altar Porn

Today, in a rare display of boredom and extra energy, I decided to clean out the "Yoga Room". The Yoga Room is the one space I have in the house where all my spiritual-type stuff resides: all my books on Druidism and Paganism, Yoga, Reiki; my ritual tools; my crystal bowls; my peacenik Tibet and prayer flags; and my collection of crystals.

It's also been relatively unused as of late.

My cats LOVE my Yoga Room, as there's lots of little places to hide, and things to knock over. It's also relatively safe for the dogs, as they don't seem to be in there unless I am. So needless to say, there was cat fur galore in there, along with things every which way from errant tails and curious noses.

So today, I dusted, de-furred, and reorganized EVERYTHING. My crystals are all shiny, my altar has been reimagined, and my books are all put away.

So I thought, while I was at it (and since it's so clean, for a change) I'd provide an in-depth description of my altar space's contents for all of you, because I know I have *so* many readers, and I know you're all waiting with bated breath. So here goes:

Very, very firstly, we have (some) of my books about spiritual pursuits. Yoga, Paganism, Druidry/ism, Witchcraft, Hinduism, Christianity... all sorts of good stuff, along with the very important stuffed animals.

I think I've only read like half of these...

Picky-tures

Here we've got an unintentional overflow from the Ancestors portion of my altar. I have pictures of my pets who have since gone Over the Rainbow Bridge. I have my black box full of my OBOD stuff, with a basket of scarfy altar cloth type things on top. I have a "prayer box" for Ganesha and the Tara here as well (not my namesake, strangely enough), in which I put little requests when I feel I need them. To the left, I have my trunk full of important and breakable things (like my great aunt's teacups), and on top, I have a basket full of more keepsakey type things, and a cute little wooden drawer thing that I haven't figured out what to do with yet. Every once in awhile, I will score during one of my Mom's purge-fests. This is one such score.

The middle thing is not "Green Man meets Sauron", I swear

Here we have my lovely altar. On the left, I have my tingshas for clearing the ritual space, my yellow beeswax candle for bearing Brighid's flame, and to the side, my staff. Behind that, we have my pillar candle and Ganesha card (pink) as well as some pressed flower petals from my yoga instructor initiation. 

At the bottom middle we have two little puja (offering) bowls (brown and black). There's a little green crystal that lives there too, and I'm not sure why, but it always seems to end up on my altar. 

Above those, we have some Ganesha statues, and my Sacred Well. It's also sterling silver, so I don't have to silver my well. I'm nothing if not streamlined. *snrk* Next, at the back, we have the Nature Spirits part, with some antlers and turkey feathers. My second world tree lives here as well. 

Sort of in the middle lives the Earth Mother portion, with a giant Moqui marble, and another small, brown crystal (whose name escapes me) that is meant to strengthen the user's bond with the Earth Mother/Gaia/what have you.

Above my Earth Mother crystals is my Ancestor portion. I have Paramahansa Yogananda, Gandhi, and my fur kids who've gone Over the Rainbow Bridge. I also have a piece of Preseli Bluestone, which is meant to help connect someone with their Celtic heritage. I chose those two people as ancestors of my heart, as they were both so huge in my inspiration to study yoga and eastern religion (can't really sum it up in one paragraph, or twelve).

Below that, I have a hematite crystal for grounding, and a rose quartz candle to light for healing energy/expressions of love towards the Kindreds. Below those, on the floor, you'll see my small area for Surya, which includes a prayer box, and some obsidian (associated with the sun). You'll also see a Farley face and feet.

The elephant in the room is my giant green dish-thing that I paid way too much for at Pier One. I intend to use it for placing any larger offerings, or to place crystals on during a ritual.

Crystal Lovin'

Here's the side of my altar, as well as some candles, and half of my mineral collection. I repurposed a doll bunk bed my Dad made for me as a little kid into a mineral display by painting it. Farley's feeling a little sick today, so I didn't bug him to get out of the picture. I've also got my copious collection of shiny glass mosaic candle holders, and some Buddha statues in the back. 

It's a teeny tiny crystal house!

Here's a Farley butt, as well as the rest of my crystals. I keep these ones in my little hut-thing to keep the cats out and the dust down. They're all either my more expensive or fragile ones. On top, I have a little singing bowl that my husband bought for me for our wedding. Good for clearing ritual space.

Last, but not least, we have my crystal bowls (in the big purple drum case), as well as a few meditation cushions. And a Farley. I've also got a few baskets for rocks I've found on beaches, et cetera, that I can't bring myself to get rid of.

And a stuffed doggie. Always a stuffed doggie.

I hope you enjoyed the tour of my ritual space. It may have seemed like an exercise in narcissism writing such a long post about something so personal, but I'm really proud of it. And it's my blog, so I get to do what I want. *evil grin*

<3

Ritual Experiment Day 9: Pagan Pride Day

Today marks another significant milestone in my growth as a pagan: my first Pagan Pride Day. Everything went exactly as it should. I was kind of reluctant to go this morning, doing the whole "What if there's too few people? What if there's too many? What if they think I have three heads?" thing, et cetera, et cetera. But I went, and it was very nice.

I never know whether to hope for a big or small crowd at these sorts of things. Too few people, and I can't hide amongst the throngs. Too many, and I'll never get to actually talk to anyone. I was pleasantly surprised.

There was a smallish group of people, who were incredibly inviting. Everyone was quick to introduce themselves and even offer a chair...! (A huge oversight on my part...) So very kind, and we felt very welcomed.

I guess you could say that the rite was Wicca-inspired, with the calling to the directions and the elements and casting a circle, etc. I've never been to any type of ritual but an ADF (druid) one, so this was a nice change. I kind of liked the integration of the directions and elements, and I'm not sure why ADF doesn't do this, other than that it might make lines blurry between it and other traditions. There was calling to the Lord and the Lady as well. We gave thanks to the farmers and to the "Powers That Be" of the harvest. I even chimed in with "Blessed Be" a few times. GASP! When in Rome. And it felt good. Feeling welcomed in an otherwise harsh seeming world is always, well, welcomed.

It felt really good to be included by this group of (at least to me) complete strangers, and to wiggle my toes in the grass on a lovely summer day. I hope that this will turn into more opportunities to worship the Old Gods with my fellow Kingstonians.