DP Requirement: Mental Discipline Essay

Being a 200 hour level trained yoga instructor and a Reiki master should make meditation easy, right? I mean, it's not like I haven't learned a ton of different ways of accessing meditation. Even yoga itself can be meditation in motion. You're basically meditating when you practice Reiki. Should be simple, yes?

Well, despite the copious amounts of tools in my fairly large toolbox for this requirement, I'm back to where I started. I think I'm going to have to provide some background for this to all make sense. 5 years ago, I had an hour-a-day meditation practice, focussing mainly on mantra work. That was on top of my daily yoga practice, which effectively grounded me and balanced the rest of my life, which was spent in more cerebral pursuits, having formerly been an engineer. I'd lost 100 pounds, and finally had a good grip on my life and what I wanted it to be.

I went from being someone who was successful in all of the ways you're supposed to be successful by society's standards, to someone who would do well to have a shower every day. I've had problems with depression and anxiety with my whole life, but this time around, I had to completely surrender to it. I had to quit my job, yoga, Reiki - everything. I've since become a shell of my former self. I am on the upswing now, but I've been kept prisoner in my own house by overwhelming feelings of sadness, panic attacks, suicidal ideation and paralyzing agoraphobia for almost 4 years. Having gained most of the weight back due to a diagnosis of insulin dependence (I refuse to use the word “diabetes” because of all of the cultural baggage and misunderstanding that goes along with that, despite the fact that it's due purely to a defective pancreas), my yoga practice has gone out the window. I don't know what my body feels like any more, and frankly, I'm afraid to find out.

All of this being said, I can probably easily convince you that meditation, in the purest sense of the word, does not come easily to me any more.

I've been working on this particular part of the Dedicant Path requirements since I started in late August of 2012. I started by listening to Ian Corrigan's Two Powers meditation on YouTube. I understand the concept of the Two Powers. Yoga and Reiki is similar in form. The bottom three chakras are your “grounding” chakras, which are in tune with earth energy. The top three are those that are in touch with your soul, spirit, and the universe. They meet at the middle in your anahata chakra, where they mingle and try to figure each other out. This is all well and good. I, at this point in time, have limited ability to feel safe and grounded. And, let's face it, I'm either too drugged up, or my anxiety is running too high to let my upper chakras have control for very long. The Two Powers, at this time, don't work for me.

Off and on, I tried various other forms of meditation. I tried giving myself Reiki on a more regimented basis. I tried Trataka (candle) meditation. I tried guided meditation. I tried listening to crystal singing bowls. I tried pulling out my crystal singing bowls. Everything either felt like I was just letting my brain have enough free reign to become anxious (and would usually lead to a panic attack), or I would become so ungrounded that I wouldn't be able to sleep. Attempts to ground myself would lead to feeling too grounded and unable to snap back to reality. Needless to say, many attempts were made, and not much discipline was acquired. These forms just proved really inaccessible to me at the moment. I'm sure there will be a time in the future when I'm able to get back into my old habits, but right now, it's really unfair of me, I think, to expect myself to be able to do those things. Coming to terms with that, with where I'm at at a moment-to-moment basis, has been one of the major things that Druidism has helped me with.

The past 5 months, I have been working on some form of mental discipline at least once a week (usually more frequently). To begin with, I started doing full-on COoR rituals 5 times a week. I figured, hey, these actually have a script. All I need to do is go outside, or to my altar, and “follow the bouncing dot”. I also wanted to try connecting with various deities, and figured this would be a good way to do both this and the discipline requirement at once. I even constructed a shrine in my backyard in the form of a rock garden: one area for the Nature Spirits, one for the Ancestors, and one for the Shining Ones. This worked for a few weeks, but eventually morphed into doing more simple devotionals. I started keeping Brighid's flame as well, which has helped me become closer to her.

Despite devotionals being relatively simple, I was still missing that feeling of connectedness to the universe, to Mother Earth, to the Kindreds, and, especially for me, to the Shining Ones, that I'm sure is the point of this exercise. I was still failing at finding what yoga people would call “the gap”, or the “space between thoughts”. That sweet spot where the infinite pours in, and you all at once feel connected to the universe and part of it at the same time. I've had that before, but I just couldn't seem to find it again.

The epiphany came when I was experimenting with making a quilt for a friend's baby shower. She is very close to Brighid, and wanting to form a relationship with her myself, it became a bit of a prayer/devotional/meditation in motion in its creation. I suppose part of me was literally praying that I wouldn't screw up this quilt too badly, but it gave me that sense of peace that comes with being in contact with that “bigger than us” power. For the first time in at least 3 years, my brain shut off, I lived in the moment, and time flew.

Since then, I've decided that this was the form my devotionals should take. I still dabble in the more traditional devotionals, and every once in awhile do a COoR ritual on a special occasion or a full moon (and have had some very profound omens and results from these undertakings), but making things in the name of the Shining Ones (and definitely with their help) has been the sweet spot for me. I've made a lot of my own ritual tools, garb, malas for mantra work, and divinatory tools. I've since taken up silversmithing, and have created many “shiny things for the Shiny Ones”. They both serve as a moving meditation in their creation, and a reminder of the Shining Ones' presence when worn. I ask for their guidance, I thank Mother Earth for providing the materials, and I thank individual deities for their gifts to me as I progress. For example, I talk to Brighid a lot while I'm working, asking for her to steady my hands and make me think clearly as to the best way to do certain things. I ask for Shiva's presence when I recycle old jewelry, asking him to destroy the old to make way for the new (and that the new will be aesthetically pleasing, of course). My creations make me feel grounded, less alone, and have been the only thing I've been truly proud of for as long as I can remember.

So, in closing, this has been quite a journey. I officially finished my 5 months of continuous work on discipline on January 5th, 2014. The best part is, that I have found something that I will absolutely continue doing. Creating things in this meditative way is not “work” for me. I do not feel like I'm paying figurative lip service to devotional activities the way I did when I was attempting the Two Powers, or the other purer forms of meditation. This works for me. And, let's face it, I'm not about to stop making jewelry any time soon. So this exercise, for all its ups and downs, was a complete success for me. I found something I'd lost for a long time. My connection to my Gods, to my Kindreds, and to my inner voice that whispers, in the quiet moments I've found, “you can do this – I just know you can”.

Ritual Experiment #Shrug: Crafting Meditation

I've found my groove.

I've meant to post about this about a zillion times, but just haven't. So anyways, without further ado: The Solution.

So some of you might know that I've recently taken up silversmithing. I made Solstice presents for everyone, even, and have made some things for myself that I'm pretty proud of as well. I've received many compliments about the stuff I've made, and it's still sort of hard to accept that I might be pleased with something I've done for a change.

Long story short, I've had some medication changes that give me a lot of extra energy. And not in a good, "let's get things done around here" way... in a nervous "I need to do something with my hands or I'm going to EXPLODE" kind of way. But I don't feel so doped up all the time, so we're going to consider the new drugs a win in a sort of way. Anywho, the one thing that calms my nerves, is making jewelry.

So I sit there and file things, and I ask Brighid for a little help in making this piece extra special for its intended recipient, and I ask Lugh for some help when I'm soldering a particularly difficult piece. I ask Ganesha to help me out once in awhile as well, when something is being particularly stubborn, and I invoke Shiva to help me melt down old jewelry or things I've made mistakes on, and I ask for his blessing when something new and satisfactory is made from the old.

So after all my struggle with the whole "meditation requirement" on the DP, I think this is finally my answer. Crafting meditation. Might sound, well, different, but it works. (And you can be absolutely sure it's something I want to do more than once a week that doesn't feel like work). It's the only time when my head is clear, and I'm allowed to let those little "Voices from Beyond" in. You know. Those little voices that tell you that there's something to all this living stuff, and there's something beyond it as well. The Gods, your Higher Self, whatever you want to call it. It's in those quiet moments that that particular divine energy tends to find me best. I feel grounded and in tune with the universe all at once.

And I also get some pretty nice shinies out of it. Who knew?!

Ritual Experiment #I've-Lost-Track: Smudging, and The Morrigan?

I took a smudging course at a local Native arts shop, and found it pretty excellent. More than excellent really... it was quite healing.

So after a day of sobbing for an hour or two and dealing with the aftermath of that, I got out my candle I have devoted to The Morrigan, and smudged the SHIT out of my house. I smudged the corners, I smudged the windows, I even smudged the yard in the rain. I called to The Morrigan and Kali and any warrior goddess that would like to help me out of this dark, deep hole I find myself in.

I understand that overcoming 30+ years of bad thinking habits is not going to happen overnight, but with this last bout with Major Depressive Disorder, I am entering the fourth year since I last worked. Entering the 6th since I felt somewhat human.

I apologize for my giant Twitter rant earlier. I have a dark side of me. A very dark side. Sometimes that darkness wins out. And you know what? It should. A dear friend posted an article about feeling what you feel, despite whether it's "negative" or not, and that was an important reminder. It's basically how I've got where I am now... by constantly trying to be everything to everyone. With the best of intentions, I assure you. But I'm working out what that is going to look like in the future. I don't want to be like my father, approaching 60, and still in the throes of a panic disorder, because he always has to be kind to others first, instead of to himself... ever.

A lot of people have been good to me with this whole... okay... here's the fucking entire diagnosis, just so I can say it out loud and stop tiptoeing around the thing...

Dysthymia complicated by Major Depressive Disorder, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Acute Agoraphobia.

Okay. Now that we have that out of the way, and you have some inkling (or maybe not, if you're as aware of these things as approximately half of the population seems to be... sorry 'bout it) of how heavy of a diagnosis that is, maybe you have some understanding of why every so often I go offside about the unfairness of people, the world, the Gods, et cetera, ad infinitum.

So yes. A lot of people have been good to me, despite the stigma that persists with a mental health diagnosis of any kind. I even hate calling it mental health... no other disease has the potential subtext that I might actually secretly be CrAzY. I prefer to call it a Brain Disorder. A lot of people have been understanding, and some have shared similar experiences. Some people couldn't give two shits, or just plain don't have any life experience on which to form any empathy for my situation. All I want is a little love, really. I don't expect people to understand, but I would love a little understanding.

It's really hard (and totally my fault, my problem, and I don't expect anyone to fix this for me... but truth is truth) to see my family and friends going on and having perfectly happy lives while I mindlessly pass my days feeling too drugged up or too anxious or too exhausted to do anything. I'm jealous. I'll admit it. I'm happy that other people aren't similarly plagued with an affliction such as mine (and I do mean plagued... ironically enough sometimes I will randomly break into stress related hives... #leper). But it really, really sucks watching life pass me by from the sidelines. You're talking to a girl who was at the top of her professional and private game, without going into specifics that would identify me further. And I went from being everything, to being "that girl that had a complete nervous breakdown in the office and sobbed for two hours straight before anyone came to help her". It's frustrating when people complain about being nervous about going to someone's party, when I can't even get out of bed because I'm so anxious. I'll have to talk to people... I might not be able to stand near the door should I have a panic attack (I still have those on the daily... the drugs no longer work for me)... I can't drink anything before or during, because I can't use other people's or public restrooms... I am deathly afraid of eating in front of other people.... you get the picture. It's hard to keep my mouth shut when people complain about butterflies, regardless of how legitimate their complaint really is. Oh honey... I am so on an exponentially higher level than that....

No one wants this to be their life's story. I'm scared that I'll never get better, and yes, that is an option as to what might happen. I might never get any better than I am right now. I might kill myself. I am passively suicidal most of the time, A.K.A, in a state of disbelieving hopelessness, and am actively suicidal sometimes too. Those times are getting fewer and further between, but every so often, like it did today, it'll rear its ugly head and scare the crap out of everyone I know. I seem composed and completely not-depressed in person to most people. I know. I am far too good at wearing that hat, and it usually surprises people to hear this about me. "I had no idea!" etc. It isn't a bad thing... but it gives people a false impression of what's going on with me about 99% of the time. I'm getting better at asking for help, but it's still extremely hard for me.

So anyways. Back to this being religion-related. So I had a nice smudge, and I called to The Morrigan and Kali, and any other beings that would like to help me cleanse myself and this place of the negativity. It has its place, but I'm long overdue to have some progress. I've dealt with so much shit lately there should be flowers springing up everywhere. Believe me, it's RIPE in here. I find a lot of peace in actively pursuing bettering my situation... whether it's journalling, blogging, screaming on Twitter (lol) or doing some sort of spiritual practice. It feels better if I feel like I can grab even an inch of control of this thing, illusory or not.

I really hope Morrighan doesn't have a problem with me mixing cultural practices.

Ritual Experiment #15: Jaya Ganesha!

So obviously I haven't been blogging every day. As you do more and more of these, they tend to start sounding samey-samey. So, I'm just writing about the particularly interesting ones. Okay? Okay.

So for Ganesha Chaturthi this past Monday, I went all out. Ganesha is the deity I work with most, I guess you'd say, so I decided to throw him a veritable party. I aggregated some ideas from various websites (that being one of them... gotta start bookmarking this stuff), and used what I liked most, and what seemed to be the most true for how I feel about how Ganesha works in my life. Here's what I did, and what you'll need if you ever want to undertake such a ritual.

List of Ritual Accoutrements:

- Red sandal paste (in this case, I put a sandalwood mala I had in a special container of water)
- Rice
- Flowers (hibiscus is supposedly Ganesha's favourite... I used white roses)
- Milk
- Curd (I used good ol' cheddar. Improvisation for the win)
- Ghee (I used butter. Ain't nobody got time for clarifyin')
- Honey
- Sugar
- A dishrag/face cloth
- White thread
- Grass (there's a specific Indian kind that you're supposed to use, but I just went with "green")
- Leaves
- Incense (in my case, a Nag Champa candle)
- Candy (I hope Ganesh likes sour cherry blasters)
- Dried fruit
- Nuts
- Clove
- Cinnamon
- Perfume (scented after shower spray?)
- Coins
- Cauldron, or something to wash your hands in
- Sacred water
- Some kind of Ganesh idol
- Probably a few extra bowls

And don't forget the patio furniture!

Here's the ritual outline. I don't claim to be a Hindu, and Ganesha isn't technically a part of the Vedic pantheon (he's post-Vedic), so I hope I don't offend both Hindus and Druids by undertaking this mishmash ritual. All experiments are undertaken with the utmost respect. Scout's honour!

Say: Vakratund mahakay suryakoti samaphraba. Nirvignan kuru me dev sarvakaryesu sarvada.

Walk counterclockwise around the Ganesh idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah x 3

Say: Aum x 3

Take a sip of sacred water.

Say: Please purify me, Ganesha, that I may offer you praise.

Wash hands.

Sprinkle Ganesha with rice grains and flowers.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah asanam samarpayami.

Wash Ganesha's feet with rice and sandalwood infused water.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah padyam samarpayami.

Wash Ganesha's hands with water mixed with rice and flowers.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah samarpayami.

Offer the idol water three times while chanting aum shri Ganeshya namah achmaneeyam samarpayami.

Bathe idol with milk, curd, sugar, and honey.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah panchamrita snanam samarpayami.

Bathe Ganesha with water, then milk.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah payah snanam samarpayami.

Present the idol with curd (cheese).

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah dadhi snanam samarpayami.

Present the idol with ghee (butter)

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah grut snanam samarpayami.

Present the idol with honey.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah madhu snanam samarpayami.

Present the idol with sugar.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah sarkara snanam samarpayami.

Offer the idol sacred water, and wipe it clean.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah uttaraposhnam samarpayami.

Place two white threads around the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah yagyopveetam samarpayami.

Sprinkle rice on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah akshtam samarpayami.

Sprinkle flowers on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah puspam samarpayami.

Sprinkle grass on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah purvan kuran samarpayami.

Sprinkle leaves on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah bilvapatram samarpayami.

Bathe the idol with incense.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah bhoopam agrapyami.

Bathe the idol with candlelight.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah deepam parshyami.

Sprinkle sweets on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah naivedyam samarpayami.

Sprinkle fruit on the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah phalam samarpayami.

Sprinkle the nuts, clove, and cinnamon on the idol.

Say: Aum shri ganeshya tamboolam samarpayami.

Anoint the idol with perfume.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah stram samarpayami.

Offer Ganesha coins.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah dakshinam samarpayami.

Sprinkle Ganesha with water containing the rice, flowers, and grass.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah vishesh argyam samarpayami.

Bow before Ganesha.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah.

Walk clockwise around the idol.

Say: Aum shri Ganeshya namah pradakshinam samarpayami.

Holy crap. Okay. So if you're still reading, CONGRATULATIONS! And THANK YOU! This is absolutely the most work I've ever put into a ritual in my personal practice. 

... I need a bigger Ganesh.

How did it feel? Well... other than busy, it felt really good. I really wanted to do Ganesha some serious honour, and I truly went all out. I don't have a whole lot of energy for much, so this was no small undertaking. I felt really centered after the ritual, and placed the offerings in the Shining Ones area of my rock garden at the end of my yard. It felt appropriate, I guess, and I felt connected to the day in a way I haven't yet experienced. As small as my celebrations were compared to what must happen in India, it felt grandiose and exotic enough to transport me, even for a moment or two. And of course, there's nothing like trying to pronounce Sanskrit to make you feel like you're somewhere else.

Rose love for the Trunk-ed One

So, to sum it up, honey is really hard to get off of wooden statues. Dogs will try to eat anything (yes, even sour cherry blasters). And hopefully there's a balance to be struck between intention (a.k.a. not having time to clarify your butter) and replication (a.k.a. attempting to speak ancient languages). 

Replication might be too strong a word for the latter.

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Ritual Experiment #13: Extra Protein

I heard a crow caw while upstairs, so I decided to go outside and do a small ritual for Morrigan despite the rain. Nothing fancy. Just offered some hallowed water to the shrines I constructed for each of the Kindreds.

Just offering some to the Shining Ones/the Morrigan, when a bug flew up my nose!

I was kind of over being eaten alive due to the rain, but... RANDOM!

So I decide to look up what medicine the gnat totem brings. Maybe this is my omen?

• Survival 
• Multifaceted vision 
• Ability to change waste into valuable assets 
• Transformation 
• Adaptation to the harshest environments

Wow. I couldn't really have received a more hopeful message after having a pretty rough day. I totally broke down at the therapist today about what my next phase of life would look like. Who would I become? What would I do for a living? What would "wellness" look like?

Seems like a lot of the time when I work with the Morrigan, I receive pretty clear messages. That lady sure doesn't mince words.

Ritual Experiment #12: Soma, Lord of Yappy Dogs

Tonight my hubby and my puppies and I went outside to give Soma (Vedic god of the moon) some admiration, since we just had a blue moon. A little late, maybe, but better late than never. Sacred space is funny like that... bends space and time... at least that's the theory I'm working with.

So we took some of the water we received at our Folk Initiation, and offered some to my outdoor shrine, as well as Soma.

And we were yapped at. The. Whole. Time.

I'm pretty good at pushing out distractions, having gone through much of yoga school while situated under drum classes. I tried to carry on, but my littlest fur-baby just sees these yappy little buggers as a threat, so he's always trying to chase them off. We dealt with that though. I did my best to not scream at our chain smoking, beer guzzling neighbours as we ritualized rather peacefully.

The message I received from Soma was the reversed bear from the Druid Animal Oracle deck by Philip Carr-Gomm. Of course, this is all about tempering your anger with your more spiritual side, blah blah blah. Which I guess, is kind of what moon energy is all about... being in touch with your softer side, and learning to have a balance of yin and yang. I'm really unsure of what it means in this circumstance. Am I not supposed to call by-law on Monday? Again? Or am I just not supposed to go out there and scream at them?

The dogs were happy to be a part of the ritual, as usual (anything in which sprinkling water is involved is good by them), and it was nice to have my first ritual outside (which was no small fear to overcome), so maybe I should just focus on that?

How can people be so selfish?

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Ritual Experiment Day 10 & 11: Trying Not to Upchuck the Waters of Life

I've been feeling all kinds of ill lately, so I elected to take a few peaceful days to myself. I spent a little time reading Starhawk's The Spiral Dance (which is excellent so far), and asking the Morrigan to help me keep my lunch down.

The two things I did do, however, is spend a little time with my prayer beads. I had a chance to go through them again, without the critical eye, and it was a lovely little way to bring me into ritual space. Even if it was just for a few minutes. The only thing worse than a small ritual is no ritual, after all.

The other thing I had a chance to do is "commune with the moon". I offered a gingerbread cookie, because my husband had just baked them (good for the barfs, you see), and offered a devotional that went something like this:

In your presence, beloved Moon, I remember my femaleness.

In your presence, beloved Moon, I tap into yin energy.

In your presence, I think of the tides that ebb and flow, much like life.

In your presence, I allow myself to rest.

In your presence, beloved Moon, I find peace. 

In your presence, I give you this offering of my love and my harvest.

In your presence, I ask that you bring me peace and serenity over your next cycle.

Short and sweet. The Moon also gave me the reversed Ram as an offering. Usually, I would associate the Ram with stubbornness and tenacity. But the reversed meaning means to me what I'd associate Moon energy with - learning to go with the flow. Not letting go of your standards or anything, but seeing what's around the next corner instead of busting your head through the wall. Makes sense, really, since I've had to make peace with a rather huge thing lately, and it's completely changed my outlook on life. 

Thanks for the reminder, sister Moon!

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Ritual Experiment Day 8: Flamekeeper's Oath

The past few days I've been feeling pretty vibrate-y (new meds)... so I stuck to some very simple prayers instead. I offered my appreciation to Surya yesterday (Vedic god of the sun) since I was up kind of early, so it's rare I get to meet him in anything but the heat of the afternoon. Still haven't been up early enough for Usas (dawn) yet though, but I will some day. Head meds make mornings tough; I can be groggy for hours.

Tonight, however, is my night to keep Brighid's flame. I'm a member of ADF's Flamekeeper group, as well as Ord Brighideach International. I keep meaning to spend more time checking out their website...

Anyways. I originally started tending Brighid's flame, because I was looking for a connection. Actually, I was begging for one. I have had a hard time forming connections with the Shining Ones, especially since it seems as though it comes so easily to others. I've since let go of this need to compare my spirituality to others' (it's a spiritual practice, not a spiritual perfect), which is no easy feat, and I commend anyone who is trying. I understand why people who are new can feel overwhelmed or intimidated. There is a lot to know, and it seems like everyone else knows everything in comparison to your measly amount of knowledge. Firstly, that's not true, and secondly, everyone has to start somewhere. But I digress...

Brighid's (Electronic) Flame

So tonight, I did my Oath to keep Brighid's flame. Yes, I know... you're supposed to have completed that by now according to the Ord, but we all know that Tara has to do things in her own good time, and not a moment sooner. Here's what I used, and I apologize to the author, because I copied it awhile ago and again have forgot where I found it:

Brighid, Oh Mary of the Gaels 

Guide my hearth with Your inspiration, 

Grace my being with Your healing, and 

Forge my strength of will, 

this night and forever more.

As I light this candle and speak my oath to You 

This I swear with my conviction; 

Thy fire shall not die within this hearth, 

for nightly shall it be smoored, 

Only to grow the following morn.. 

And in Your name shall it burn 

to guard this home from harm.

Simple, yet effective. I guess the "nightly" part is the only part that doesn't work, but I'm pretty sure she knows what I mean. Fortnightly? Plus a bit?

I didn't have much time to ponder this lovely Oath, as, you know, life being life, my husband decided to finish what he was doing to see what I was doing about midway through. So we'll chalk this one up to chaos trying to take over and not take ourselves too seriously.

The irony is not lost on me that I recently introduced my husband to Eris. 

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Ritual Experiment Day 7: +1 to Magic

Today's post I'm excited about.

You see, next door, we have these neighbours that have these adorable little Bichon Frises who are very cute and very LOUD and very OBNOXIOUS. As a pet mom and general worshipper of my furry companions, I am very sick of them growling at my dogs and I through the fence.

So, after some Googling, and some help with ideas on my grove's Facebook page, I came up with an idea.

I did one of the short ADF rituals like I did last week (found on the SDF page), and I added in two magical workings. First, before I even started or set up my ritual space, I asked the Morrigan if she'd like to help me out with this one. I explained what I was planning to do in detail. I took several omens, and all were good. I received messages about the importance of fairness in sharing space.

The magical workings I added were called "Hot Foot Powder", and another, called a "Simple Move Away Spell". I did the first one mentioned on the page.

So I went ahead and ritualized, and since everyone loves pictures of omens:

Crane, Stag and Reversed Frog

The crane represents the three realms and the ability to walk in all of them. Good omen, since I'm trying something a little more "esoteric" tonight. The stag represents standing one's ground, and it is apparently "auspicious to draw the stag when starting new projects". Okay, cool. The frog brings rich medicine and understanding when dealing with difficult circumstances. Score. I must be doing something right...

Now to the magic.

Very Messy Ritual Space

As you can see, I have the peppers and salt, which I used to make the Hot Foot powder. I concealed it in a little garden soil before sprinkling liberally on her side of the fence. (Please be assured: neither cayenne pepper or black pepper are dangerous to dogs. Annoying, probably, but not dangerous). Also, you'll see the vinegar, paper and bottle I used for the second spell. I found it interesting that the moment I stepped outside to literally "pepper" her yard, I was met with two angry little white furry faces telling me off. As I sprinkled this concoction on the grass, I repeated "leave this place, so that we may both live in peace" with each handful. 

After my sprinkling was complete, and offerings to the Kindreds and the Morrigan given, we drove out to Lake Ontario to commit my second spell to the drink. I wrote the address of the offenders on the paper, (I'm not sure what all their names are; I just made sure to add that it was for the current residents only), surrounded it with a house, and put a big X through it. I stuffed it in the bottle, and poured the vinegar over top.

GTFO! Spell

So we drove out to the lake, and in the bright light of the crescent moon, I asked the Morrigan to help me fight for what is right; to fight for my sacred territory. I pitched the thing as hard as I could into my beloved Lake Ontario.

I kind of had a hard time with this, because I didn't really want to throw anything into the lake. I used a glass bottle because it can't decompose into anything weird, and hopefully, it'll just turn into beach glass. I threw it in far enough so that people couldn't step on it. I'm going to think of a better idea for next time, but this time, it felt critically important that I do exactly what the spell asked. Next time, I might just soak the paper in some vinegar and fix it to a rock. I hope the lake spirit won't mind... if anything, I felt like I had her support.

It'll be interesting to see what happens over the next little while. Will our feud reach a head? Will the mundane "powers that be" finally ask her to obey the law? Will she notice the clumps of soil all over her patio stones?

Stay tuned.

Ritual Experiment Days 4, 5 & 6: A Whole Bunch o' Stuff

So for Day 4, I created a little gift for my grovies, since it was our initiation on Saturday. I made some Prayer Beads, since I'm such a fan of malas, and each bead corresponds to a part of the ADF Core Order of Ritual. I wrote a short little ritual to go along with it, so I'm counting the production of these beads and the testing of the rite as my Ritual du Jour.

Ritual Prayer Beads a la Tara

For Day 5, we had our grove initiation. Obviously I'm not going to blog about the specifics, other than it was AWESOME. It's really nice to feel like I have a family in this way, especially since losing connection to my blood family lately. I feel all warm and fuzzy. Grey Catsidhe (our fearless leader) put on a truly meaningful initiation, and as always, we all felt warm and welcomed. I haven't felt really proud to be part of something in a very long time.

As for what should have been Day 6, I decided to do another kind of worship. I spent the day worshipping The One Who Knocks, also known as Heisenberg. What can I say. Everyone needs some kind of escapism, right?

Actual Day 6 ended up being a sort of desperate call for help. It's no big secret that a lot of my life is in flux right now, so I decided I would just straight up pray, since I couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. I've been working a lot to this point with the Morrigan (weird, since I mostly write about Vedic stuff, I know. But the heart wants what the heart wants). Here's the prayer I use:

Morrigan Morrigan three times three, 

Hear the words I ask of thee. 

Grant me vision, Grant me power, 

Cheer me in my darkest hour. 

As the night overtakes the day, 

Morrigan Morrigan light my way. 

Morrigan Morrigan Raven Queen, 

Round & round the Hawthorn green. 

Queen of beauty, Queen of Art, 

Yours my body, Yours my heart. 

All my trust I place in thee, 

Morrigan Morrigan be with me.

Unfortunately, I didn't record the original author when I first found this, so I apologize to whoever wrote this. I do love it though, so I thought I should share. I look to the Morrigan when I'm about to "go into battle", and she always brings me her warrior energy. You don't fuck with the Morrigan, so I try to channel her energy whenever I'm in a bind. Turns out, she gave me the strength to push through what was looking to be a completely disastrous situation. So I thank her for that!

Ritual Experiment Day 3: Ba-BOOM (AKA Improv for Indra)

Tonight, we came home during the middle of a thunderstorm. So I figured I'd skip the usual ritual liturgy for the night, and improvise something for Indra, the Vedic god of thunderstorms. I'm going to write something down here quickly before I lose the inspiration.

Oh Indra...
Great god of the Thunderstorm.
I am grateful for your glorious show of lights, turning the blackest night into the clearest day for a blinding moment.
You bring me into the present moment with your crashes of thunder.
I am in awe.
Your lightning destroys forests, land, and human creations alike, and I am powerless to it.
You remind me that I am intimately connected to the greatest forces of nature.
You create forest fires so that new groves of trees may grow up in fertile soil.
You turn miserable humidity into fresh, cool breezes.
You water our crops and fields with blessed and precious summer rain.
I dance in your wind and your water and your fury.
You bring me new life.

I also gave Indra a nice drink of some beer I had in the fridge, since I'm fresh out of soma and all, and since I've noticed that oil just burns the grass. Oops. File that under lesson number two.

Ritual Experiment, Day 2: Chill Out, Man.

Uhh.... I screwed up.

So basically, when I read cards of any sort, I take any that literally "jump out at me" as being a sign that those cards are to be used. The Forces That Be and I have this agreement that I'll pay attention to whatever falls out of the pack, especially if it happens to be the exact amount of cards that I'm looking to draw.

So after a decent amount of shuffling, three cards fall out of the deck. The same three I drew yesterday. I turn them over in the same order. Except upside down.

Shit.

So I take this as a not-so-subtle message that entering ritual space while being completely pissed off from a fight you just had with your husband is a less than ideal circumstance. Noted. And of course the reverse meanings of the cards were all about "going against the flow of life's path", et cetera, et cetera. Okey doke, Kindreds. Message received loud and clear.

Oops.

Ritual Experiment, Day 1: It's All About Intention

For day one of my five month ritual experiment, I kept it simple. Like, painfully simple.

Fire, well and tree

As you can see, I had a lovely big mug of water for my well, a flameless candle for a fire, and my lovely cactus for a tree. 

I performed the SDF simple liturgy as previously discussed, and dedicated it to the deities of the Vedic pantheon. I plan on working with them each individually as time progresses, and let's face it. With 5 months, I'll have tons of time to get all 33 in.

As usual, my puppies were interested in what I was up to, so I was quite happy to share the waters of life with them as well. Yes, I used the well as the waters of life. This is an experiment in keeping things simple and manageable as well. I once read a quote, I forget who from, that the only ritual tool you need is yourself. The rest is fun, but essentially fluff when you get down to the nitty gritty. So we're going to stick as close to that theory as possible for now, for sanity's sake.

Pagan Puppies

The omens I was given were quite auspicious, I think. Very encouraging. I used Philip Carr-Gomm's Animal Oracle, and quoted some of the descriptions below. From the Nature Spirits, I received the Fire Dragon, which indicates courage, energy, and an "increased ability to overcome obstacles and to find the energy to cope with life's problems" (thanks Ganesha... got that message loud and clear). The Fire Dragon helps "fuel your inner fire", to help you accomplish your goals with precision. Auspicious, yes. 

Secondly, from the Ancestors, I received the Wren. Wren is all about being cunning and humble, which my attempt at liturgy this go around definitely was, intentionally or not (humble I mean... not cunning). So I take that as a nod for trying the KISS rule with my ritual experiment. Wren is about "achieving great things with economy and effort". Indeed. Cool.

From the Shining Ones, I received the Horse, which is the only one I had any idea about. The Horse is about the circle of life, and about voyaging, even into the inner realms. The Horse helps you to feel okay about life's bumps and bruises, and know that it's all part of the ride - the greater plan. 

Omens from the Nature Spirits, Ancestors and Shining Ones respectively

So all in all, I feel that this went pretty well, despite the fact that I totally forgot my other offerings of oil (for the Ancestors and Shining Ones) and birdseed (for the Nature Spirits). No problem though, just paused and went to retrieve it. Also forgot my oracle cards. Okay, so maybe things didn't go so smoothly. But at least I won't forget tomorrow. Hopefully.

Solution.

So after a month or two (or five or six) of beating my head against the wall, and some bitching and moaning on my protogrove's Facebook page, I've decided that for the "Meditation Journal" part of my DP that I'm going to do devotionals.

Although, like usual, I have to take it up a notch. It wouldn't be me if I was going to try something EASY, would it?

In asking the Dedicant's e-mail list, someone suggested some of the SDF devotionals. I found a short liturgy that can be found here. I'm going to do their "All Purpose, Simple SDF Liturgy". And I'm going to do it daily.

Daily? Are you slightly insane?

A) Probably.
B) It's short.
C) I feel like this is necessary. Even on the days I'm unable to do it, this would be helpful in the long run.
D) GODSDAMNIT I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER
E) This ought to give me lots to write about.
F) Success in this regard will be defined as me doing a ritual 5 out of 7 days per week. Even crazy DP students need a break, after all.

So I'm going to blog here as often as I can to journal out my progress. Should be interesting. And if all goes well, I'll be done my five months on January 5, 2014.

Feel free to harass me if you see me lapsing.

EDIT: Also, my goal is to have the remainder of the requirements done by Autumn Equinox.

DP Requirements: Personal Religion

My personal religion has always been centred around observation. Even when I was Christian, I had a sort of “language” going with God that I would take certain things to mean certain things, and this has simply morphed to fit into my new Pagan hat. I am keenly aware of signs, and this has taken me far in my faith, whatever you would tend to call said faith at any given time.

I first came by Druidry after happening across a deck of Philip Carr-Gomm's Oracle Cards at the bookstore. I was very into Doreen Virtue's Angel Cards at the time, which, let's face it, is basically Tarot-lite for the Christian-minded. I was amazed that Druidry was a “thing”, and immediately knew I wanted to know more about it.

Fast forward a few years, and I was finding myself restless with OBOD, and had ADF in the back of my mind. I wanted to try to meet some actual Pagan folk in the area, which brought me to what would become Northern Rivers Protogrove. The organizer was an ADF member, and gave me the experiential knowledge I needed to join myself. Somehow, I had found a group, and the Kindreds smacked me upside the head with the proof I needed that ADF was a good choice for me.

Since then, I've been trying to keep up with my guidepost method. Our Protogrove is almost entirely Celtic, so I learn a lot from our rituals. We have a ritual each High Day, and usually some sort of meeting or get-together in between. I've attended most of them, and they've been great opportunities to grow in my faith as well as my fellowship with other pagan-minded people. So far, I've had the chance to write the liturgy for and lead one ritual, which was for Summer Solstice. We focussed on Manannan Mac Lir, and it was both difficult and enlightening for me to be put in the situation of forming a relationship with a deity on a tighter schedule.

One of the most important reasons I joined ADF is for the inclusion of the Vedic hearth culture. I keep bouncing between these two cultures as which seems to be more prevalent at any given time, but I've formed relationships with Brighid to some degree, and the Morrigan in a bigger way. The Vedic Pantheon I am still trying to figure out. As a yoga instructor, I've had much exposure to the Hindu gods, and I haven't neglected my old relationships despite the distinction between Vedism and Hinduism. I've been working with the concept of Prthivi as the Earth Mother, and am moving more towards calling her in my personal work. I've worked a lot with Agni as well, and call to him each time I light a candle. Mostly, my work towards knowing the deities of the Vedic pantheon consists of reading about them, to see which direction I feel pulled.

The Morrigan is the goddess I feel most called to work with. I started doing some daily devotionals to her, as I felt called to explore some of my own inner “warrior goddess”. I offer her alcohol of some sort if I happen to have it, and if not, my appreciation and affection. Back to the theme of guideposts: I have often since seen ravens in groups of three when I most need reassurance. Strangely enough, during one particularly stressful hospital appointment, the nurse started talking about how much she liked ravens, and how she thought they were the smartest and most handsome of the birds, and how she had no idea why she just told me that. I take signs like this as good evidence that I'm working in the right direction.

Probably the simplest and most important part of my spiritual practice, aside from my work with the deities, is communing with nature. At the very least, it is easily accessible to me in the form of my dogs (we just love howling), and in my backyard when the weather is favourable. I've had the opportunity this year to build a shrine for each of the three Kindreds in my rock garden, as well as a sidhe garden, in which I've let everything grow as wild as it likes. My little sidhe garden has tons of little flowers blossoming in it, and I've noticed an upturn in growth in general in that part of my lawn. Purple Sweet Peas and Queen Anne's Lace and beautiful green vines that had never grown there before, are now plentiful. I take time as often as I can to say “hi” to them, and to thank them for their healing presence.

My relationship with the Ancestors ebbs and flows. Sometimes, I feel very called to venerate those that came before, and other times, it feels less like celebration and more like attending their funeral in my thoughts once again, and intensely painful. I suppose my Christian upbringing doesn't help that concept much, but I'm trying to align my heart with my head as far as things like the Otherworld are concerned, and even reincarnation. My altar is covered in pictures of the Ancestors of my heart and of my blood.

Going forward, I would like to move towards a more solid foundation in what I actually personally believe to be true. I have a hard time forming relationships with the Shining Ones especially, because I'm not one hundred percent sure whether I'm in the hard or soft polytheist camp. Pantheist, or Panentheist, though I think I lean towards the latter. It would be useful to be able to feel driven one way or the other, but these things have to come about in their own time, so I can be patient. I'm sure whenever they deem it necessary, I'll be given another not-so-subtle sign, as usual.

Environmental Impact Essay

I've been working very hard, over the past year especially, to lower my impact on the environment in any way I can think. That includes everything from becoming completely committed to recycling, driving less and with the more efficient vehicle when possible, to purchasing more sustainable and organic products.

I've gone on a crusade this year to minimize all sorts of packaging, and becoming acutely aware of where said packaging comes from in the first place. I am trying to buy things that are packaged in less material and that comes from sustainable sources. I've switched to entirely recycled paper towel and toilet paper, and that was no small feat due to “texture issues”. Something was feeling very wrong with using trees to clean nether regions, despite the manufacturer's claims of “tree replanting efforts”. Why do “that” with trees of any size or age, when I can do it with post-consumer waste?

As far as recycling, I have made a concerted effort to fully employ our excellent recycling services in my city. We even have curbside composting! It has been an effort to get what recyclables out on what day down pat, but it's coming slowly. It's amazing how much we have cut down on our garbage by composting. It's difficult to see how this in particular has helped the local environment, as we have always shipped our garbage out of town to a bigger processing site. However, less garbage here will make less garbage somewhere else. In the meantime, it will make for some excellent compost for gardens in the local community!

My formal education was that of Civil Engineering, and I was certified by the powers-that-be in my province as a wastewater and drinking water technician. That has long since expired, but it made me acutely aware of what affects our drinking supplies. I've put a ban in our household on chemicals of any sort that could find their way into the water table or into the lake (Ontario) from runoff. I make a point of collecting our old or expired medications and recycle them properly instead of flushing them. I do not control weeds in my yard in any way, shape, or form, except possibly pulling them if I find them particularly bothersome. I endeavour to buy organic as much as possible due to both the health benefits and the fewer pesticides being put in our precious soils. It is more difficult to obtain and afford more responsibly raised meats, but I have found a middle ground in some grocery store free-range brands instead of the more expensive butcher shop farm fresh meat. Slowly, I am working towards becoming a vegetarian, mostly for the health benefits, but also due to the smaller footprint it leaves upon the Earth Mother. This summer, I plan to frequent the farmer's market. Reducing my “food-print” in this way would be great for the environment and would help the local economy, as well as being more healthful.

Along the same vein, I have been trying to buy personal products that are of the more Earth friendly variety. I have so far been unable to find suitable substitutions for some of my old stand-bys, but I am working towards finding at least products with a higher percentage of biodegradable ingredients. I am slowly weeding out those products that test on animals, and have been switching to those that don't. I also have been letting the manufacturers of said products know why I am no longer purchasing their brands.

I have also been a big proponent of improved infrastructure. Unfortunately, our fine city has a storm sewer almost as old as the soil in which it's built, and we invariably dump thousands of litres of wastewater into Lake Ontario after a big rainstorm as a result. No one is quite sure how the system is laid out. Whenever possible, I take the opportunity to explain this to my fellow environmentally minded people (and some who aren't), and try to spread the word about this unconscionable situation. We really need to bite the bullet, and have the sewer fixed correctly. Lake Ontario is far too “clean”, by which I mean lacking in life. Crystal clear water is not a sign of a healthy lake, and we need to do whatever we can to ensure it is around for many generations to enjoy.

As far as gas consumption, I drive a relatively efficient compact car that I keep in good working order. Keeping the tires inflated and keeping it properly maintained helps keep the gas bill down. It's pretty unavoidable to have to drive in my town, because the mass transit system is terribly slow and inefficient. I try to minimize driving though and try to do all my errands in one fell swoop, especially in the summer. We often have smog warnings as we are situated smack dab in the centre of the most populous area in Canada, and every little bit helps in this regard.

In my own backyard, I have planted several trees and shrubs. The previous owners had all of the trees removed, which is terribly sad. My husband and I have been working diligently to protect our little green babies despite wind and ice storms. They are doing very well this year, and often get little offerings placed beneath them. This year, I plan on dedicating a part of my lawn to a “fairy patch”. I am going to let this little patch of lawn grow absolutely as wild as it likes, to encourage local bugs and critters to make a home, and, of course, to invite the sidhe to make a home as well!

As far as my future plans for improving, I hope to, as previously stated, be able to move towards more organic and local foods. I hope to be able to invite lots of other green friends into my yard (after I have convinced myself that I'm not going to inadvertently murder the ones that are currently living there). I hope to try to encourage the Nature Spirits to visit by planting milkweed for the Monarchs, and maybe try a bird feeder or two as budget allows. I hope to be able to further spread the word about our impact on the environment, at the very least, by leading by example. I am doing my best to accept my limitations, as it's hard to feel as though you're making a difference when all you can manage are a few changes here and there. I am, however, adopting the mantra that “every little bit helps”.

"Three Kindreds" Essay!

The Three Kindreds as described in Druidism consist of three aspects: The Nature Spirits, the Gods and Goddesses, and the Ancestors. Despite my Christian upbringing, which has obvious emphasis on God and lacks the other two, I have always felt a call towards the Ancestors and the Nature Spirits despite this.

It's been a long time coming, but for the moment, I've settled on what can be best described as panentheism. I'd describe it best as something akin to the nature of Purusha, described in the Rig Veda as “both immanent in the manifested world and yet transcendent to it” (Wikipedia, Panentheism). My relationship with the Shining Ones is twofold: one part is that I see and respect Them as separate entities from the universe, but that there is a divine “spark” to everything. I'm unsure as to whether the Gods and Goddesses, inside of that theory, are actual beings, or are more of a manifested consciousness, much like the debate between hard and soft polytheism. I bounce back and forth between the idea of actual Beings and Jungian archetypes often.

Before finding Druidry, I was very much drawn to Hinduism and Yogic philosophy, which has probably formed my cosmic worldview considerably. I have felt the pull towards Celtic mythology as well since I was little, as I have always been interested in genealogy. My family, at least as far back as the 1800s, is from Ireland, and I very much felt as though it was a homecoming when I visited in 2008. Since then, I've been very interested in the Druids and the ancient approaches to spirituality. I haven't felt strongly towards working with a specific Celtic deity, although I do attempt to say “hello” as frequently as possible. I have felt the call of Eriu while meditating with a shamrock I had just adopted. I have had wild and vivid dreams of Ireland every night after doing so. So Eriu and I have had a meet-and-greet at least, and I look forward to working on my relationship with Her.

From my “Indian roots”, I have formed a very strong relationship with Ganesha. I understand that he is not a part of Vedism, but I choose to keep up this relationship, as it has been intensely powerful at trying times in my life. During my yoga instructor course, the first mantra we learned was the Ganesha Mantra (Om gam ganapataye namaha), and I was instantly hooked. I have found great peace in this Mantra, and have had many “obstacles” removed when the options were seemingly very limited. I am very familiar with Krishna as well, as I have studied the Gita a lot, and I feel as though he is approachable and kind. I have had some interest in and contact with Kali and Shiva as well, and I hope to further those relationships. Mantras, to me at least, seem to be the best way to get in touch with these Gods and Goddesses, which is probably why mantra work is so popular!

I feel very fortunate to have a connection to and a need to understand the divine, regardless of how complicated it may be. Not everyone is so lucky. As connected as I feel to the Natural World, I don't feel as though my Druidry would be the same without the feeling of wonder the spark of the divine brings.

The Nature Spirits and I have always been close friends. I grew up as an only child, and was often in the care of both my maternal and paternal grandparents. They both were fortunate enough to live on the water. I spent a lot of time communing with the creatures in the water, like little mussels and snails and fish, and would spend hours watching them swim around. It was, in retrospect, quite meditative. I have been brought up in a culture of awareness of the natural world, and quickly caught on to names of trees, being able to identify birds by their song, and to the natural comings and goings of all the local creatures with the change of the seasons. My upbringing, though officially Christian, was very Druidic.

More recently, I have been attempting to improve my relationships with Nature Spirits in a more focussed way. I now have a house of my own, and have had the opportunity to plant trees and shrubs around my house. Unfortunately, the previous owner had cut all of the old growth trees down, and I had this desperate need to find healing for our little slice of land. I've been fiercely trying to protect my little leaf babies, and hopefully they will continue to thrive this year. I've been meditating with them, and although I haven't received much in the way of feedback other than a sense of unconditional love, I'm open to seeing what wisdom they have to impart. I feel as though my Druidry has brought a name and a reason to the feeling that I was always more of a part of the natural world than this human one we have so carelessly constructed.

The way by which I am most in touch with the Nature Spirits, however, is actually indoors. I have two cats (Bosco and Maya) and two dogs (Boober and Farley), and they teach me more about myself than would have ever thought possible. Farley especially. Farley has an intense anxiety problem, which he comes by honestly, as so does his fur-mom (also known as, yours truly). I suspect I may have had something to do with that when he was a puppy, but we both lean on each other to help relieve the other's anxiety. Our favourite thing to do when we've just had enough is let out a big ol' howl. I'm sure the neighbours love us. But we have this thing when we howl that feels so instinctual. I can tell how he's feeling by the sounds he makes, the pitch of his voice; he tries to meet my voice's tune and volume exactly. It feels like being part of a wolf pack. Figuring out how to be the alpha-critter in my house has been no small feat, as you have to “be” them. I can't figure out how to solve problems between the four of them until I think like a cat or a dog. Sometimes I have to literally get down on their level and communicate with them that way. It has been the greatest lesson in so many ways, but mostly in compassion. All four of them live precisely in this very moment, and love unconditionally as a result. They connect me to my Druidism by bringing out my inner "wild". I try to live up to their perception of me.

My relationship with the ancestors is admittedly the one I have the most difficulty with. I don't feel especially close to my family, with a few exceptions, and I keep those people in mind when I talk about ancestors. Mostly, though, my ancestors are ones of heart. They include those from which I have learned much, despite their distance or passing (Paramahansa Yogananada, Mohandas K. Gandhi, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Farley Mowat), and those of different species (my pets who have gone over the Rainbow Bridge). I hold these ancestors of heart, who have made me so much who I am, in the same high regard as those of blood.

My actual ancestors came from Kircubbin in Northern Ireland around the time of the potato famine. I've been to the gravesite of my namesakes, and, interestingly enough, I still live within a 20 kilometre radius of those who arrived in Canada around 200 years ago. The place they settled looks actually very similar to Ireland; rolling hills, green valleys and dramatic shorelines. I can see why they picked it. I was also married in the church that my family attended when they arrived in Canada. I just felt so drawn to that place, and now I understand why. This island is my ancestral home, and I didn't realize the significance of this until I began to study Druidry. I have only lived outside of my current hometown while I was away at school, and while the place I lived in was very wild in comparison to my current, more urban habitation, I felt very ill at ease. In fact, I generally feel strange whenever I am visiting a place that is outside of the shores of Lake Ontario.

I feel as though my ancestors still play a part in my life and my life's plan. Certain things have worked out for me along my life that felt as though someone “up there” had had a hand in it. I feel on some level it is possible that I have known some of them for many lifetimes.

I hope that, in the future, I can continue to know each of the Shining Ones in new and creative ways. I really feel as though I am open and ready to receive whatever they would have me know or do, but I am trying to be intentionally slow at building these relationships. I want to be respectful, and I'm hoping that my patience and work will pay off in developing both my relationships with the Shining Ones, as well as the relationship with myself.

Altar Discussion

I chose this picture because it's pretty mostly, but as you can (sort of) see, I have pictures of my ancestors, feathers to represent the nature spirits, and various little statue representations of the God I feel most connected with. I also have a little bowl to represent the sacred well, candles for the sacred fire, and my staff in the background as my world tree representation. It's located on the easternmost wall of my house, to meet the rising sun.

Aside from the fact that this is a very standard ADF altar set up, I felt that it fit my needs, and felt very appropriate. Ancestor representations were important to me, because I still feel very spiritually connected to them, and it seemed like the proper place to honour them. Nature Spirits were kind of a given, as I highly revere all forms of life. Representing the Gods was a little tougher, as the one God I have felt close to the most in my life (other than just the pantheistic sense of the Universe) is Ganesha. ADF does not officially recognize Ganesha, as He is not described in the Vedas. I haven't felt called to work with any other Gods yet, but I will add anything that seems appropriate when the time comes. I'm always open to meeting new Shining Ones!

The Three Hallows are simply added because I needed to start somewhere, and have become more meaningful as time passes. Each time I work with them, whether I do a Two-Powers Meditation or not beforehand, it works as a subtle reminder to ground and center. It's like Two-Powers Lite – the fire being the spark of inspiration and a reminder to be in the moment, and the water being the grounding element from the earth. My staff is important to me both as a world tree representation, and also as a reminder of how deep this path actually runs for me, even though I'm still new to Druidism. I made that staff back when I was 12 – I hunted around in the woods for hours to find the perfect (fallen) tree branch. Even though I'm new to the formal concept, I'm not new to the spirituality.

As well, I have various spiritual knick knacks I've accumulated on my altar - some crystals that seem appropriate for the time of year, maybe an affirmation I want to give some oomph, and the trinkets I was given when I finished my Yoga Instructor training.

As far as improvements go, I'd like to make some altar cloths that would be more seasonal looking – ideally I'd like a different one for each high day for added flair. I also look forward to being able to add more God/Goddess representations on it, as soon as I feel a connection or inspiration to work with them! Ideally I'd like something a little larger and possibly higher, maybe with less places for my cat to hide in it.

Hospitality

“That boy is your company. And if he wants to eat up that tablecloth, you let him, you hear?” - Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

As Harper Lee shows in her timeless book, To Kill a Mockingbird, hospitality can be described as tending to the needs of your guests, regardless of what those “needs” are. Dictionary.com defines it as “the friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers”. I'd like to add two more ideas into the mix: only receiving said guests if you are able to extend them that high level of comfort, and only being a guest if you're sure your presence is appreciated. Hospitality is akin to generosity in that one must give of one's comforts freely to be truly hospitable. I feel like this can be an unfair exchange of energy, however.

I don't often have company. I have my life a certain way, and I am protective of my space. I find it incredibly draining to have people over, so I tend to only invite people over when I am entirely sure I can show them a good time. If I'm unable (or unwilling) to offer my guests the proverbial tablecloth for dinner, then I just don't invite them. Part of being hospitable is knowing what you're capable of, and sometimes my capability is zero. I am not very comfortable with uneven exchanges of energy, and restrict my home to those I know will not take more than they give. Sounds harsh and not terribly hospitable, and it kind of is. I've found, though, for my own well being, I must be sure of these things in order to keep my home a safe environment.

However, there is the other part of hospitality, and that's being a good guest. I always attempt to bring some sort of “gift in kind” if I'm invited somewhere, whether it be a bottle of wine, some dessert, or some flowers. I am acutely (and probably painfully) aware of where my welcome ends, and respect that fact. I am always mindful of the aforementioned exchange of energy, and I try to feel as though I put at least as much time or energy (or money) into visiting someone as they did to prepare to have me.

I guess the long and short of this essay is that I've found it difficult to be hospitable, and that's fine, I suppose. I think it's more important that I take care of myself before I start to try to take care of others. Unless my well is full, it's hard for me to offer anyone else a drink!

Courage!

Part of what makes a virtue a virtue is the ability to do it despite adversity. As stated by Maya Angelou, "Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage." The dictionary.com definition of courage is "the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery." I disagree. I don't think that courageous people are necessarily without fear; I think they act in spite of it. Saying that people are courageous simply because they see danger and have no fear of it could be ascribing a virtue to people with underdeveloped amygdalas. Courage comes from seeing danger, fearing it, and doing what is right anyways.

I've had to be courageous in my own life in some of my aforementioned struggles. Quitting my poisonous job despite fear of being able to afford to live was one important instance. The best anecdote about courage I have, though, is about my great uncle James. He fought in World War II, and saved his entire platoon by throwing himself on a grenade. Both of his legs were blown off. I can't imagine that he had no fear when he was choosing to protect his friends with his body. There's even more courage in the fact that he came back to Canada, and continued to work his farm without legs (the prosthetics were too bulky and cumbersome). I never got to meet him, as he passed away when he was young due to circulation problems from the amputations. The fact that my family still talks about the sacrifices he made for his platoon and for his family – that legacy of true greatness – is how I define courage.