December 17, 2013

Fuck It.

I'm over it.

It seems to me that no one gives a shit about anything, least of all me.

I try so hard to be a good friend/family member, but constantly have my feelings/ideas/stuff that's important to me overlooked and marginalized. 

How the fuck am I supposed to live in a world like that?

My counsellor says I am supposed to adopt a whole new world view about how things are positive, the outlook is good, people care about each other, and we braid flowers in each other's hair, etc. etc. How am I supposed to do that when everything just supports my CURRENT world view that cynicism is a very MUTED response to the BS that goes on around me?

This probably sounds terribly negative and all that, but I'm seriously at the end of my rope. I'm coming on four years without having worked, am in a probably dead-end relationship that I am exhausted of fighting for, and I have zero back up for all of these things. 

Something potentially catastrophic (but thankfully no one's been hurt) happened in the city I've spent 29.5/31 of my years in, and my husband falls asleep during the news report about the military team that saved a man from a construction crane in the middle of a block-wide inferno. But that's supposed to not be indicative of his level of Give-A-Fuck.

How am I supposed to continue to be sensitive, vulnerable and open in a world where the people around me are such GIANT JACKASSES?!?!?!?!

I don't know. I just want out of the city. I want out of my own head. I wish I were blissfully ignorant, and didn't worry about everything like it was my freaking job. I worry about the rainforests. I worry about sharks. I worry about polar bears. I worry about treatment plants and Lake Ontario and bottled water. I worry about when my car will need an oil change. I worry about checking in with everyone to see how their doctor's appointments went, or how their dog is, or about Tibetans getting their country back. I worry about Native Americans in this country getting a raw deal. 

I know it's supposed to be bad karma, to notice this, but it seems to me like I'm doing a lot of worrying about everything, and everything isn't doing a whole lot of worrying about me.

I try to be nice to the person at the counter despite the fact I'm having a panic attack. I don't know... maybe it's my well practiced and stony exterior that throws people off..... but on any given day, I'm doing well to get out of bed. I need some love. I desperately need some understanding. And I really don't think it's my depression talking that's colouring my experience here... I think people are genuinely being selfish and self-involved. I try so hard to take care of everyone else. I just can't keep it up any longer.

Fucking. Frustrated. Despondent. Over. It. Someone. Honestly. Help. Me. For. The. Love. Of. God.

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