July 31, 2013


I can't shake this constant feeling of being annoyed. It's like someone has been poking me on the shoulder for a few weeks now, and I just want to turn around and bitch slap them.

Partially, it's my situation. I'm totally stuck between finding the right moment to move forward, and feeling not at all ready to do that. I keep thinking about where I could volunteer as a starting point, and it just seems so daunting. I don't think an hour a week would even be doable. Firstly, who would want to take me on? I feel like a liability with all my health problems. And secondly, what could I even do anyways? I can see myself joyfully taking on a new responsibility, and then getting joyfully punted out of it after I call in sick for the millionth time because I'm too unwell to do anything.

I'm having trouble concentrating with my DP stuff lately. I am re-reading Vedic Mythology because it's just not sinking in. I'm trying to take a lot of notes, but my lack of ability to concentrate and digest material just makes me feel really, really stupid. And I'm not, so that's frustrating. People ask me about things that I KNOW I know, and I just draw a blank. I'm not sure what can repair that...

31 is a weird age to be stuck. Everyone around me is having families, getting their careers well on their way, and I'm back to being 19 again. It's horribly painful. I don't know what I want to do for a living, if I even had the capacity to go through with it right now, and I am by no means ready to have kids. I don't think I'll ever be. Let's face it... if I don't get there by 35, I think it's probably not right to try. So I have 3.5 years to fix my life, if it's fixable to the amount it would need to be for me to try and get pregnant. And what if I want to go back to school? How do I fit both of those things in? My life is slowly slipping me by, and there's nothing I can seem to do to fix it.

I wish I could just grab the bull by the horns like I normally would, and take that one big step out of hell. But I can't even decide where a good starting place would even be. 

I sort of feel like, why the fuck would I even bother? I know 31 seems young enough for those people who are 41 or 51 and starting a new career; it's all relative. And I AM going to go back to school... I'm not about to work at Walmart for the rest of my life. But 4 or 5 or more years of school at this point seems daunting.

The most fun part of all of this is: no one can decide these things but me. 


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