August 1, 2013


Today marks the end of my official first "Year of Pagan Holidays".


I dunno. It's kind of bumming me out how people are cheery about this particular holiday, even looking forward to it! And the best I can do is muster good wishes in return.

I find the cross quarter days a little strange. I've always celebrated the change in season, even as a Christian (especially the Autumn Equinox). But celebrating the harvest feels kind of foreign.

Intellectually, I understand why we celebrate Lughnasadh or Lammas, if you like. Reaping the benefits of what one has sewn, whether agriculturally or otherwise, is an important event. Seems worth celebrating. But that assumes something: that we feel like we have something to be thankful for.

Yes, living in Canada, I know I'm more privileged than probably 90% of the world, blah blah blah. I try not to forget that I have a roof over my head, and food in my fridge. Regardless, I'm finding this holiday to be a little difficult. What do I have to be thankful for in my life? Truly? I just feel like everything is falling apart, but take a moment and be thankful for all the good I've manifested this year?

Hate to sound like an Eeyore, but I'm a little short in the "good" department.

I feel like I've been having my nose rubbed in other people's happiness lately, and I think this just adds insult to injury. Not that I'm not happy for my family and friends - I am. Truly. But misery loves company, and today, I feel sadder than I have in a long time. Not that I'm expecting anyone to notice particularly, or care, because I realize how hard it is to try to interact with someone like myself when I'm feeling like this. It's hard to bring yourself down to this level and sympathize in a way that feels authentic. I have this problem with myself sometimes, even. I don't even want to be sympathetic to myself... I just want to be someone else.

So what's a person to do, except suffer silently?

Not even close to being a rhetorical question. I seriously don't know the answer.

So although this is not the popular response, it's the one I'm feeling. This isn't easy to say, or write, or have read. Part of my ability to accept my situation has turned out to be sharing it, and realizing that a lot of people are in my boat and have or have had similar experiences and feelings. So I guess I'll muddle my way through, and hopefully next year I'll have something to harvest. For real.

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