My personal religion has always been centred around observation. Even when I was Christian, I had a sort of “language” going with God that I would take certain things to mean certain things, and this has simply morphed to fit into my new Pagan hat. I am keenly aware of signs, and this has taken me far in my faith, whatever you would tend to call said faith at any given time.
I first came by Druidry after happening across a deck of Philip Carr-Gomm's Oracle Cards at the bookstore. I was very into Doreen Virtue's Angel Cards at the time, which, let's face it, is basically Tarot-lite for the Christian-minded. I was amazed that Druidry was a “thing”, and immediately knew I wanted to know more about it.
Fast forward a few years, and I was finding myself restless with OBOD, and had ADF in the back of my mind. I wanted to try to meet some actual Pagan folk in the area, which brought me to what would become Northern Rivers Protogrove. The organizer was an ADF member, and gave me the experiential knowledge I needed to join myself. Somehow, I had found a group, and the Kindreds smacked me upside the head with the proof I needed that ADF was a good choice for me.
Since then, I've been trying to keep up with my guidepost method. Our Protogrove is almost entirely Celtic, so I learn a lot from our rituals. We have a ritual each High Day, and usually some sort of meeting or get-together in between. I've attended most of them, and they've been great opportunities to grow in my faith as well as my fellowship with other pagan-minded people. So far, I've had the chance to write the liturgy for and lead one ritual, which was for Summer Solstice. We focussed on Manannan Mac Lir, and it was both difficult and enlightening for me to be put in the situation of forming a relationship with a deity on a tighter schedule.
One of the most important reasons I joined ADF is for the inclusion of the Vedic hearth culture. I keep bouncing between these two cultures as which seems to be more prevalent at any given time, but I've formed relationships with Brighid to some degree, and the Morrigan in a bigger way. The Vedic Pantheon I am still trying to figure out. As a yoga instructor, I've had much exposure to the Hindu gods, and I haven't neglected my old relationships despite the distinction between Vedism and Hinduism. I've been working with the concept of Prthivi as the Earth Mother, and am moving more towards calling her in my personal work. I've worked a lot with Agni as well, and call to him each time I light a candle. Mostly, my work towards knowing the deities of the Vedic pantheon consists of reading about them, to see which direction I feel pulled.
The Morrigan is the goddess I feel most called to work with. I started doing some daily devotionals to her, as I felt called to explore some of my own inner “warrior goddess”. I offer her alcohol of some sort if I happen to have it, and if not, my appreciation and affection. Back to the theme of guideposts: I have often since seen ravens in groups of three when I most need reassurance. Strangely enough, during one particularly stressful hospital appointment, the nurse started talking about how much she liked ravens, and how she thought they were the smartest and most handsome of the birds, and how she had no idea why she just told me that. I take signs like this as good evidence that I'm working in the right direction.
Probably the simplest and most important part of my spiritual practice, aside from my work with the deities, is communing with nature. At the very least, it is easily accessible to me in the form of my dogs (we just love howling), and in my backyard when the weather is favourable. I've had the opportunity this year to build a shrine for each of the three Kindreds in my rock garden, as well as a sidhe garden, in which I've let everything grow as wild as it likes. My little sidhe garden has tons of little flowers blossoming in it, and I've noticed an upturn in growth in general in that part of my lawn. Purple Sweet Peas and Queen Anne's Lace and beautiful green vines that had never grown there before, are now plentiful. I take time as often as I can to say “hi” to them, and to thank them for their healing presence.
My relationship with the Ancestors ebbs and flows. Sometimes, I feel very called to venerate those that came before, and other times, it feels less like celebration and more like attending their funeral in my thoughts once again, and intensely painful. I suppose my Christian upbringing doesn't help that concept much, but I'm trying to align my heart with my head as far as things like the Otherworld are concerned, and even reincarnation. My altar is covered in pictures of the Ancestors of my heart and of my blood.
Going forward, I would like to move towards a more solid foundation in what I actually personally believe to be true. I have a hard time forming relationships with the Shining Ones especially, because I'm not one hundred percent sure whether I'm in the hard or soft polytheist camp. Pantheist, or Panentheist, though I think I lean towards the latter. It would be useful to be able to feel driven one way or the other, but these things have to come about in their own time, so I can be patient. I'm sure whenever they deem it necessary, I'll be given another not-so-subtle sign, as usual.
July 21, 2013
July 18, 2013
Warning: Bitchy Post Ahead
I've neglected this blog for awhile, mostly because I've been having a really hard time, and I didn't feel like I had anything worth blogging about (or worth reading).
However, I've decided that a) I need some catharsis and b) even negative struggles are part of the journey. So here goes.
I've tried every treatment there is for my particular brand of depression, and I mean EVERYTHING aside from the electroshock therapy. Yes, they still do that. No, I'll never consent. I'm not getting very far. I got in a bit of a war last week when my well meaning but overworked psychiatrist criticized me for not having added on a drug that I've taken before, and that totally fucked up my sleep and gave me night terrors. (Yes, night terrors. Not nightmares. Those are for sissies. I'm talking about the "you wake up when someone is crawling through your window to stab you only to realize that you really haven't woken up at all and someone is still crawling through the window to stab you only to wake up and realize"... you get the picture.) So, obviously, I'm slightly trepidatious in attempting round 2 with this new drug. It's supposedly a good combo (google California Rocket Fuel... seriously. That's what this combo is called), but it also has a chance of increasing suicidal ideation and anxiety in the short term. Feeling like I've been feeling, I'm not sure I'm up for an increase in those feelings. I wouldn't consider myself suicidal, but... let's just say it's been a long time since I've felt that life was worth living for more than a brief moment. Anyways. Top that up with marital/familial issues and a lack of a good support system (or a lack of ability to call upon such when needed), and I've been feeling pretty fucked.
And then apparently my doctor picks yesterday as the moment I'm to go to the "contraception clinic" to figure out what my birth control should look like, since I have so many complicating factors. (Being insulin-dependent, all these head meds, and apparently high blood pressure, which isn't even an issue. I just really hate doctors, so every time I go, it's through the roof). My hubby had to surprise me with this appointment, because he knew had I have known that my doctor was cutting me off of my birth control, I would have probably smashed her windows in (not exaggerating).
So off we go, to the fucking hospital, and I hate fucking hospitals, because every time I go to one of these hellholes, I get a) mistreated (I've been left in a bedpan for over an hour, verbally abused to the point that the abuser got a week's worth in anger management, no clean sheets or gowns for almost a week... the list goes on), or b) people forget I'm human, and that part of my physiology includes panic and anxiety disorder, as well as Dysthymia complicated by Major Depressive Disorder and SHEER TERROR BROUGHT ON BY WHITE COATS.
Everything goes... okay. I didn't try to murder anyone, and I only broke down sobbing once. I had a complete breakdown before going, and my knees only shook hard enough that I could waddle to the building, instead of hubby having to carry me.
The part that gets me is this: as a kid, I was one of the lucky girls that had 10 day periods that basically looked like a murder scene. Cramps, mood swings, all to the nth degree. And they decide that this is something that's worth changing, right now, at this juncture, when I'm having such struggles with my mood already?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Yes. Let's take the person who is self described as unstable and who is never quite sure when she could legitimately be a danger to herself, and let's fuck with her hormones.
So I don't have any of my meds straight, I don't feel okay, I straight up tell them that this is a terrible idea, but I still have to go back in 3 months to provide a blood pressure record.
FUCK YOUR FUCKING BLOOD PRESSURE. I DO NOT HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. REMEMBER THE CUFF YOU HAD ON ME FOR A WEEK WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL???? FUCKING 120/75 BABY. CHECK YOUR STUPID FUCKING NOTES.
This... this right here... is the sort of thing I deal with *all the time*. I mean ALL the time. I'm always dealing with asshole doctors that are always trying to fuck with the way I have things set out that WORK for me. My methods may not be perfect, but have you ever tried getting traction in life when there's not a single part of it that has steady footing?
And frankly, from my perspective, it's nothing short of a miracle that I haven't just taken a fistful of pills to this point, so a potential risk of 18/100,000 (that's a 0.018% chance, ladies and gentlemen), does not frighten me in the SLIGHTEST. When you feel as though you'd be better off dead most of the time, (whether that is an accurate fact or not, perception is reality), you tend not to care about such inconsequential details. It would be much more dangerous for me to get pregnant. It's more dangerous for me to be on the high dose of benzodiazepines that I've been on for over 2 years (only supposed to take them for a month or less at my current dosage). I am on too many Category X prescriptions, that I would have to have an abortion if I got pregnant. How's *that* for adding to mental health? Not that I'm really interested in sex (see: anti-depressants and their effect on sex drive), but is this something that is in line with the Hippocratic Oath? Really?
Never mind the fact that I can't eat half of the stuff that would allow me to be healthier. I have some as yet undiagnosed stomach problem that prevents me from eating pretty much anything raw. Sometimes vegetables entirely. My neck is in an absolute mess from an injury 10+ years ago, and I am in pain at least daily. My knee hasn't been right in over a month and I have no idea why. My birth control method would be pretty far down my list of priorities. Or, what about all this ear pain and dizzy spells? Should we take a look at that? The fact that my thyroid is out of control?
So this is my life right now. This is one of many examples on how my life is spiralling slowly out of control. I thought I hit rock bottom 3 years ago... maybe we're not there yet. And to think, the day before, I had got out my yoga mat and spent awhile chillin', and I found that I could still do a lot of stuff. I was feeling hopeful. Apparently that's not something that the universe is allowing me though right now: a moment's respite.
And you want to blindside me, and drag me into the hospital, to talk to me about my 0.018% chance of getting a blood clot?
However, I've decided that a) I need some catharsis and b) even negative struggles are part of the journey. So here goes.
I've tried every treatment there is for my particular brand of depression, and I mean EVERYTHING aside from the electroshock therapy. Yes, they still do that. No, I'll never consent. I'm not getting very far. I got in a bit of a war last week when my well meaning but overworked psychiatrist criticized me for not having added on a drug that I've taken before, and that totally fucked up my sleep and gave me night terrors. (Yes, night terrors. Not nightmares. Those are for sissies. I'm talking about the "you wake up when someone is crawling through your window to stab you only to realize that you really haven't woken up at all and someone is still crawling through the window to stab you only to wake up and realize"... you get the picture.) So, obviously, I'm slightly trepidatious in attempting round 2 with this new drug. It's supposedly a good combo (google California Rocket Fuel... seriously. That's what this combo is called), but it also has a chance of increasing suicidal ideation and anxiety in the short term. Feeling like I've been feeling, I'm not sure I'm up for an increase in those feelings. I wouldn't consider myself suicidal, but... let's just say it's been a long time since I've felt that life was worth living for more than a brief moment. Anyways. Top that up with marital/familial issues and a lack of a good support system (or a lack of ability to call upon such when needed), and I've been feeling pretty fucked.
And then apparently my doctor picks yesterday as the moment I'm to go to the "contraception clinic" to figure out what my birth control should look like, since I have so many complicating factors. (Being insulin-dependent, all these head meds, and apparently high blood pressure, which isn't even an issue. I just really hate doctors, so every time I go, it's through the roof). My hubby had to surprise me with this appointment, because he knew had I have known that my doctor was cutting me off of my birth control, I would have probably smashed her windows in (not exaggerating).
So off we go, to the fucking hospital, and I hate fucking hospitals, because every time I go to one of these hellholes, I get a) mistreated (I've been left in a bedpan for over an hour, verbally abused to the point that the abuser got a week's worth in anger management, no clean sheets or gowns for almost a week... the list goes on), or b) people forget I'm human, and that part of my physiology includes panic and anxiety disorder, as well as Dysthymia complicated by Major Depressive Disorder and SHEER TERROR BROUGHT ON BY WHITE COATS.
Everything goes... okay. I didn't try to murder anyone, and I only broke down sobbing once. I had a complete breakdown before going, and my knees only shook hard enough that I could waddle to the building, instead of hubby having to carry me.
The part that gets me is this: as a kid, I was one of the lucky girls that had 10 day periods that basically looked like a murder scene. Cramps, mood swings, all to the nth degree. And they decide that this is something that's worth changing, right now, at this juncture, when I'm having such struggles with my mood already?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Yes. Let's take the person who is self described as unstable and who is never quite sure when she could legitimately be a danger to herself, and let's fuck with her hormones.
So I don't have any of my meds straight, I don't feel okay, I straight up tell them that this is a terrible idea, but I still have to go back in 3 months to provide a blood pressure record.
FUCK YOUR FUCKING BLOOD PRESSURE. I DO NOT HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. REMEMBER THE CUFF YOU HAD ON ME FOR A WEEK WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL???? FUCKING 120/75 BABY. CHECK YOUR STUPID FUCKING NOTES.
This... this right here... is the sort of thing I deal with *all the time*. I mean ALL the time. I'm always dealing with asshole doctors that are always trying to fuck with the way I have things set out that WORK for me. My methods may not be perfect, but have you ever tried getting traction in life when there's not a single part of it that has steady footing?
And frankly, from my perspective, it's nothing short of a miracle that I haven't just taken a fistful of pills to this point, so a potential risk of 18/100,000 (that's a 0.018% chance, ladies and gentlemen), does not frighten me in the SLIGHTEST. When you feel as though you'd be better off dead most of the time, (whether that is an accurate fact or not, perception is reality), you tend not to care about such inconsequential details. It would be much more dangerous for me to get pregnant. It's more dangerous for me to be on the high dose of benzodiazepines that I've been on for over 2 years (only supposed to take them for a month or less at my current dosage). I am on too many Category X prescriptions, that I would have to have an abortion if I got pregnant. How's *that* for adding to mental health? Not that I'm really interested in sex (see: anti-depressants and their effect on sex drive), but is this something that is in line with the Hippocratic Oath? Really?
Never mind the fact that I can't eat half of the stuff that would allow me to be healthier. I have some as yet undiagnosed stomach problem that prevents me from eating pretty much anything raw. Sometimes vegetables entirely. My neck is in an absolute mess from an injury 10+ years ago, and I am in pain at least daily. My knee hasn't been right in over a month and I have no idea why. My birth control method would be pretty far down my list of priorities. Or, what about all this ear pain and dizzy spells? Should we take a look at that? The fact that my thyroid is out of control?
So this is my life right now. This is one of many examples on how my life is spiralling slowly out of control. I thought I hit rock bottom 3 years ago... maybe we're not there yet. And to think, the day before, I had got out my yoga mat and spent awhile chillin', and I found that I could still do a lot of stuff. I was feeling hopeful. Apparently that's not something that the universe is allowing me though right now: a moment's respite.
And you want to blindside me, and drag me into the hospital, to talk to me about my 0.018% chance of getting a blood clot?
May 6, 2013
Environmental Impact Essay
I've been working very hard, over the past year especially, to lower my impact on the environment in any way I can think. That includes everything from becoming completely committed to recycling, driving less and with the more efficient vehicle when possible, to purchasing more sustainable and organic products.
I've gone on a crusade this year to minimize all sorts of packaging, and becoming acutely aware of where said packaging comes from in the first place. I am trying to buy things that are packaged in less material and that comes from sustainable sources. I've switched to entirely recycled paper towel and toilet paper, and that was no small feat due to “texture issues”. Something was feeling very wrong with using trees to clean nether regions, despite the manufacturer's claims of “tree replanting efforts”. Why do “that” with trees of any size or age, when I can do it with post-consumer waste?
As far as recycling, I have made a concerted effort to fully employ our excellent recycling services in my city. We even have curbside composting! It has been an effort to get what recyclables out on what day down pat, but it's coming slowly. It's amazing how much we have cut down on our garbage by composting. It's difficult to see how this in particular has helped the local environment, as we have always shipped our garbage out of town to a bigger processing site. However, less garbage here will make less garbage somewhere else. In the meantime, it will make for some excellent compost for gardens in the local community!
My formal education was that of Civil Engineering, and I was certified by the powers-that-be in my province as a wastewater and drinking water technician. That has long since expired, but it made me acutely aware of what affects our drinking supplies. I've put a ban in our household on chemicals of any sort that could find their way into the water table or into the lake (Ontario) from runoff. I make a point of collecting our old or expired medications and recycle them properly instead of flushing them. I do not control weeds in my yard in any way, shape, or form, except possibly pulling them if I find them particularly bothersome. I endeavour to buy organic as much as possible due to both the health benefits and the fewer pesticides being put in our precious soils. It is more difficult to obtain and afford more responsibly raised meats, but I have found a middle ground in some grocery store free-range brands instead of the more expensive butcher shop farm fresh meat. Slowly, I am working towards becoming a vegetarian, mostly for the health benefits, but also due to the smaller footprint it leaves upon the Earth Mother. This summer, I plan to frequent the farmer's market. Reducing my “food-print” in this way would be great for the environment and would help the local economy, as well as being more healthful.
Along the same vein, I have been trying to buy personal products that are of the more Earth friendly variety. I have so far been unable to find suitable substitutions for some of my old stand-bys, but I am working towards finding at least products with a higher percentage of biodegradable ingredients. I am slowly weeding out those products that test on animals, and have been switching to those that don't. I also have been letting the manufacturers of said products know why I am no longer purchasing their brands.
I have also been a big proponent of improved infrastructure. Unfortunately, our fine city has a storm sewer almost as old as the soil in which it's built, and we invariably dump thousands of litres of wastewater into Lake Ontario after a big rainstorm as a result. No one is quite sure how the system is laid out. Whenever possible, I take the opportunity to explain this to my fellow environmentally minded people (and some who aren't), and try to spread the word about this unconscionable situation. We really need to bite the bullet, and have the sewer fixed correctly. Lake Ontario is far too “clean”, by which I mean lacking in life. Crystal clear water is not a sign of a healthy lake, and we need to do whatever we can to ensure it is around for many generations to enjoy.
As far as gas consumption, I drive a relatively efficient compact car that I keep in good working order. Keeping the tires inflated and keeping it properly maintained helps keep the gas bill down. It's pretty unavoidable to have to drive in my town, because the mass transit system is terribly slow and inefficient. I try to minimize driving though and try to do all my errands in one fell swoop, especially in the summer. We often have smog warnings as we are situated smack dab in the centre of the most populous area in Canada, and every little bit helps in this regard.
In my own backyard, I have planted several trees and shrubs. The previous owners had all of the trees removed, which is terribly sad. My husband and I have been working diligently to protect our little green babies despite wind and ice storms. They are doing very well this year, and often get little offerings placed beneath them. This year, I plan on dedicating a part of my lawn to a “fairy patch”. I am going to let this little patch of lawn grow absolutely as wild as it likes, to encourage local bugs and critters to make a home, and, of course, to invite the sidhe to make a home as well!
As far as my future plans for improving, I hope to, as previously stated, be able to move towards more organic and local foods. I hope to be able to invite lots of other green friends into my yard (after I have convinced myself that I'm not going to inadvertently murder the ones that are currently living there). I hope to try to encourage the Nature Spirits to visit by planting milkweed for the Monarchs, and maybe try a bird feeder or two as budget allows. I hope to be able to further spread the word about our impact on the environment, at the very least, by leading by example. I am doing my best to accept my limitations, as it's hard to feel as though you're making a difference when all you can manage are a few changes here and there. I am, however, adopting the mantra that “every little bit helps”.
I've gone on a crusade this year to minimize all sorts of packaging, and becoming acutely aware of where said packaging comes from in the first place. I am trying to buy things that are packaged in less material and that comes from sustainable sources. I've switched to entirely recycled paper towel and toilet paper, and that was no small feat due to “texture issues”. Something was feeling very wrong with using trees to clean nether regions, despite the manufacturer's claims of “tree replanting efforts”. Why do “that” with trees of any size or age, when I can do it with post-consumer waste?
As far as recycling, I have made a concerted effort to fully employ our excellent recycling services in my city. We even have curbside composting! It has been an effort to get what recyclables out on what day down pat, but it's coming slowly. It's amazing how much we have cut down on our garbage by composting. It's difficult to see how this in particular has helped the local environment, as we have always shipped our garbage out of town to a bigger processing site. However, less garbage here will make less garbage somewhere else. In the meantime, it will make for some excellent compost for gardens in the local community!
My formal education was that of Civil Engineering, and I was certified by the powers-that-be in my province as a wastewater and drinking water technician. That has long since expired, but it made me acutely aware of what affects our drinking supplies. I've put a ban in our household on chemicals of any sort that could find their way into the water table or into the lake (Ontario) from runoff. I make a point of collecting our old or expired medications and recycle them properly instead of flushing them. I do not control weeds in my yard in any way, shape, or form, except possibly pulling them if I find them particularly bothersome. I endeavour to buy organic as much as possible due to both the health benefits and the fewer pesticides being put in our precious soils. It is more difficult to obtain and afford more responsibly raised meats, but I have found a middle ground in some grocery store free-range brands instead of the more expensive butcher shop farm fresh meat. Slowly, I am working towards becoming a vegetarian, mostly for the health benefits, but also due to the smaller footprint it leaves upon the Earth Mother. This summer, I plan to frequent the farmer's market. Reducing my “food-print” in this way would be great for the environment and would help the local economy, as well as being more healthful.
Along the same vein, I have been trying to buy personal products that are of the more Earth friendly variety. I have so far been unable to find suitable substitutions for some of my old stand-bys, but I am working towards finding at least products with a higher percentage of biodegradable ingredients. I am slowly weeding out those products that test on animals, and have been switching to those that don't. I also have been letting the manufacturers of said products know why I am no longer purchasing their brands.
I have also been a big proponent of improved infrastructure. Unfortunately, our fine city has a storm sewer almost as old as the soil in which it's built, and we invariably dump thousands of litres of wastewater into Lake Ontario after a big rainstorm as a result. No one is quite sure how the system is laid out. Whenever possible, I take the opportunity to explain this to my fellow environmentally minded people (and some who aren't), and try to spread the word about this unconscionable situation. We really need to bite the bullet, and have the sewer fixed correctly. Lake Ontario is far too “clean”, by which I mean lacking in life. Crystal clear water is not a sign of a healthy lake, and we need to do whatever we can to ensure it is around for many generations to enjoy.
As far as gas consumption, I drive a relatively efficient compact car that I keep in good working order. Keeping the tires inflated and keeping it properly maintained helps keep the gas bill down. It's pretty unavoidable to have to drive in my town, because the mass transit system is terribly slow and inefficient. I try to minimize driving though and try to do all my errands in one fell swoop, especially in the summer. We often have smog warnings as we are situated smack dab in the centre of the most populous area in Canada, and every little bit helps in this regard.
In my own backyard, I have planted several trees and shrubs. The previous owners had all of the trees removed, which is terribly sad. My husband and I have been working diligently to protect our little green babies despite wind and ice storms. They are doing very well this year, and often get little offerings placed beneath them. This year, I plan on dedicating a part of my lawn to a “fairy patch”. I am going to let this little patch of lawn grow absolutely as wild as it likes, to encourage local bugs and critters to make a home, and, of course, to invite the sidhe to make a home as well!
As far as my future plans for improving, I hope to, as previously stated, be able to move towards more organic and local foods. I hope to be able to invite lots of other green friends into my yard (after I have convinced myself that I'm not going to inadvertently murder the ones that are currently living there). I hope to try to encourage the Nature Spirits to visit by planting milkweed for the Monarchs, and maybe try a bird feeder or two as budget allows. I hope to be able to further spread the word about our impact on the environment, at the very least, by leading by example. I am doing my best to accept my limitations, as it's hard to feel as though you're making a difference when all you can manage are a few changes here and there. I am, however, adopting the mantra that “every little bit helps”.
April 18, 2013
Some Words Will Always Hurt Me.
I've been meaning to write this post for awhile, because of the disturbing trend towards mental health symptoms becoming offhand remarks, and because of the seeming lack of education around "people first" language.
Terms like "OCD", "germophobe", "schizophrenic", "bipolar", etc. are obsolete. It is not acceptable to refer to someone else as being "depressed" or "anxious". This is where the "people first" language comes in. It would be proper (if not slightly labelling) to refer to a "schizophrenic" as a person with schizophrenia. Their mental health does not define them. Just as you would not refer to a person with cancer as "canceric", never should the term "bipolar" leave your mouth without being the description of a disorder, not a person. They are also not people who are "suffering from" something either. This goes for all "diseases as adjectives".
I know this is a subtle difference for those of you who haven't experienced such hardships, but the difference for those of us whose lives are ruled by these things is enormous. In my experience, the bulk of my time is spent thinking about, seeking treatment for, and struggling with the symptoms of my mental health, and, quite frankly, I don't need to be referred to as "depressed". Labelling someone in this way can just add to the weight of the feeling that there is no relief from the disease. I may have Major Depressive Disorder amongst other things, but I am not "depressed". It does not define me in any way, shape, or form, other than being a label that my doctors use to encapsulate my symptoms.
I realize that people have "slips", and they often don't mean what they say in a derogatory sense. Despite mental health's still painful stigmas, it has become somewhat fashionable to use terms in a cavalier and flippant manner.
Terms that describe life altering, and, in some cases, completely torturous diseases, get thrown around as though they were meaninglessly describing the weather. If someone has PMS, or is feeling moody, suddenly they have been "acting all bipolar lately!" Or if they happen to be feeling scatterbrained, "Whoah, am I ever schizophrenic today." "I had such a panic attack when I forgot my keys!" "I'm so OCD I had to wash my hands TWICE after using the washroom."
Not only are the previous remarks completely ignorant and unbecoming of their user, they completely minimize (to put it lightly) the struggles of the people who are afflicted with these awful diseases. These are NOT terms to be used in this way. Think of the people who are, every day, having to deal with the drugs and the therapy and the not being able to have functional relationships and the not being able to enjoy life. Are you really feeling so OCD?
This is not something that I feel a lot of people have really thought about, but really should. I'm happy there are people in this world that have been so untouched by mental health issues that they feel it is "cute" to make light the plight of the affected, but unfortunately, they don't realize the damage they are doing. This kind of talk only perpetuates stigmas. Stigmas only perpetuate shame.
And shame is the thing that prevents us from getting help.
March 30, 2013
"Three Kindreds" Essay!
The Three Kindreds as described in Druidism consist of three aspects: The Nature Spirits, the Gods and Goddesses, and the Ancestors. Despite my Christian upbringing, which has obvious emphasis on God and lacks the other two, I have always felt a call towards the Ancestors and the Nature Spirits despite this.
It's been a long time coming, but for the moment, I've settled on what can be best described as panentheism. I'd describe it best as something akin to the nature of Purusha, described in the Rig Veda as “both immanent in the manifested world and yet transcendent to it” (Wikipedia, Panentheism). My relationship with the Shining Ones is twofold: one part is that I see and respect Them as separate entities from the universe, but that there is a divine “spark” to everything. I'm unsure as to whether the Gods and Goddesses, inside of that theory, are actual beings, or are more of a manifested consciousness, much like the debate between hard and soft polytheism. I bounce back and forth between the idea of actual Beings and Jungian archetypes often.
Before finding Druidry, I was very much drawn to Hinduism and Yogic philosophy, which has probably formed my cosmic worldview considerably. I have felt the pull towards Celtic mythology as well since I was little, as I have always been interested in genealogy. My family, at least as far back as the 1800s, is from Ireland, and I very much felt as though it was a homecoming when I visited in 2008. Since then, I've been very interested in the Druids and the ancient approaches to spirituality. I haven't felt strongly towards working with a specific Celtic deity, although I do attempt to say “hello” as frequently as possible. I have felt the call of Eriu while meditating with a shamrock I had just adopted. I have had wild and vivid dreams of Ireland every night after doing so. So Eriu and I have had a meet-and-greet at least, and I look forward to working on my relationship with Her.
From my “Indian roots”, I have formed a very strong relationship with Ganesha. I understand that he is not a part of Vedism, but I choose to keep up this relationship, as it has been intensely powerful at trying times in my life. During my yoga instructor course, the first mantra we learned was the Ganesha Mantra (Om gam ganapataye namaha), and I was instantly hooked. I have found great peace in this Mantra, and have had many “obstacles” removed when the options were seemingly very limited. I am very familiar with Krishna as well, as I have studied the Gita a lot, and I feel as though he is approachable and kind. I have had some interest in and contact with Kali and Shiva as well, and I hope to further those relationships. Mantras, to me at least, seem to be the best way to get in touch with these Gods and Goddesses, which is probably why mantra work is so popular!
I feel very fortunate to have a connection to and a need to understand the divine, regardless of how complicated it may be. Not everyone is so lucky. As connected as I feel to the Natural World, I don't feel as though my Druidry would be the same without the feeling of wonder the spark of the divine brings.
The Nature Spirits and I have always been close friends. I grew up as an only child, and was often in the care of both my maternal and paternal grandparents. They both were fortunate enough to live on the water. I spent a lot of time communing with the creatures in the water, like little mussels and snails and fish, and would spend hours watching them swim around. It was, in retrospect, quite meditative. I have been brought up in a culture of awareness of the natural world, and quickly caught on to names of trees, being able to identify birds by their song, and to the natural comings and goings of all the local creatures with the change of the seasons. My upbringing, though officially Christian, was very Druidic.
More recently, I have been attempting to improve my relationships with Nature Spirits in a more focussed way. I now have a house of my own, and have had the opportunity to plant trees and shrubs around my house. Unfortunately, the previous owner had cut all of the old growth trees down, and I had this desperate need to find healing for our little slice of land. I've been fiercely trying to protect my little leaf babies, and hopefully they will continue to thrive this year. I've been meditating with them, and although I haven't received much in the way of feedback other than a sense of unconditional love, I'm open to seeing what wisdom they have to impart. I feel as though my Druidry has brought a name and a reason to the feeling that I was always more of a part of the natural world than this human one we have so carelessly constructed.
The way by which I am most in touch with the Nature Spirits, however, is actually indoors. I have two cats (Bosco and Maya) and two dogs (Boober and Farley), and they teach me more about myself than would have ever thought possible. Farley especially. Farley has an intense anxiety problem, which he comes by honestly, as so does his fur-mom (also known as, yours truly). I suspect I may have had something to do with that when he was a puppy, but we both lean on each other to help relieve the other's anxiety. Our favourite thing to do when we've just had enough is let out a big ol' howl. I'm sure the neighbours love us. But we have this thing when we howl that feels so instinctual. I can tell how he's feeling by the sounds he makes, the pitch of his voice; he tries to meet my voice's tune and volume exactly. It feels like being part of a wolf pack. Figuring out how to be the alpha-critter in my house has been no small feat, as you have to “be” them. I can't figure out how to solve problems between the four of them until I think like a cat or a dog. Sometimes I have to literally get down on their level and communicate with them that way. It has been the greatest lesson in so many ways, but mostly in compassion. All four of them live precisely in this very moment, and love unconditionally as a result. They connect me to my Druidism by bringing out my inner "wild". I try to live up to their perception of me.
My relationship with the ancestors is admittedly the one I have the most difficulty with. I don't feel especially close to my family, with a few exceptions, and I keep those people in mind when I talk about ancestors. Mostly, though, my ancestors are ones of heart. They include those from which I have learned much, despite their distance or passing (Paramahansa Yogananada, Mohandas K. Gandhi, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Farley Mowat), and those of different species (my pets who have gone over the Rainbow Bridge). I hold these ancestors of heart, who have made me so much who I am, in the same high regard as those of blood.
My actual ancestors came from Kircubbin in Northern Ireland around the time of the potato famine. I've been to the gravesite of my namesakes, and, interestingly enough, I still live within a 20 kilometre radius of those who arrived in Canada around 200 years ago. The place they settled looks actually very similar to Ireland; rolling hills, green valleys and dramatic shorelines. I can see why they picked it. I was also married in the church that my family attended when they arrived in Canada. I just felt so drawn to that place, and now I understand why. This island is my ancestral home, and I didn't realize the significance of this until I began to study Druidry. I have only lived outside of my current hometown while I was away at school, and while the place I lived in was very wild in comparison to my current, more urban habitation, I felt very ill at ease. In fact, I generally feel strange whenever I am visiting a place that is outside of the shores of Lake Ontario.
I feel as though my ancestors still play a part in my life and my life's plan. Certain things have worked out for me along my life that felt as though someone “up there” had had a hand in it. I feel on some level it is possible that I have known some of them for many lifetimes.
I hope that, in the future, I can continue to know each of the Shining Ones in new and creative ways. I really feel as though I am open and ready to receive whatever they would have me know or do, but I am trying to be intentionally slow at building these relationships. I want to be respectful, and I'm hoping that my patience and work will pay off in developing both my relationships with the Shining Ones, as well as the relationship with myself.
It's been a long time coming, but for the moment, I've settled on what can be best described as panentheism. I'd describe it best as something akin to the nature of Purusha, described in the Rig Veda as “both immanent in the manifested world and yet transcendent to it” (Wikipedia, Panentheism). My relationship with the Shining Ones is twofold: one part is that I see and respect Them as separate entities from the universe, but that there is a divine “spark” to everything. I'm unsure as to whether the Gods and Goddesses, inside of that theory, are actual beings, or are more of a manifested consciousness, much like the debate between hard and soft polytheism. I bounce back and forth between the idea of actual Beings and Jungian archetypes often.
Before finding Druidry, I was very much drawn to Hinduism and Yogic philosophy, which has probably formed my cosmic worldview considerably. I have felt the pull towards Celtic mythology as well since I was little, as I have always been interested in genealogy. My family, at least as far back as the 1800s, is from Ireland, and I very much felt as though it was a homecoming when I visited in 2008. Since then, I've been very interested in the Druids and the ancient approaches to spirituality. I haven't felt strongly towards working with a specific Celtic deity, although I do attempt to say “hello” as frequently as possible. I have felt the call of Eriu while meditating with a shamrock I had just adopted. I have had wild and vivid dreams of Ireland every night after doing so. So Eriu and I have had a meet-and-greet at least, and I look forward to working on my relationship with Her.
From my “Indian roots”, I have formed a very strong relationship with Ganesha. I understand that he is not a part of Vedism, but I choose to keep up this relationship, as it has been intensely powerful at trying times in my life. During my yoga instructor course, the first mantra we learned was the Ganesha Mantra (Om gam ganapataye namaha), and I was instantly hooked. I have found great peace in this Mantra, and have had many “obstacles” removed when the options were seemingly very limited. I am very familiar with Krishna as well, as I have studied the Gita a lot, and I feel as though he is approachable and kind. I have had some interest in and contact with Kali and Shiva as well, and I hope to further those relationships. Mantras, to me at least, seem to be the best way to get in touch with these Gods and Goddesses, which is probably why mantra work is so popular!
I feel very fortunate to have a connection to and a need to understand the divine, regardless of how complicated it may be. Not everyone is so lucky. As connected as I feel to the Natural World, I don't feel as though my Druidry would be the same without the feeling of wonder the spark of the divine brings.
The Nature Spirits and I have always been close friends. I grew up as an only child, and was often in the care of both my maternal and paternal grandparents. They both were fortunate enough to live on the water. I spent a lot of time communing with the creatures in the water, like little mussels and snails and fish, and would spend hours watching them swim around. It was, in retrospect, quite meditative. I have been brought up in a culture of awareness of the natural world, and quickly caught on to names of trees, being able to identify birds by their song, and to the natural comings and goings of all the local creatures with the change of the seasons. My upbringing, though officially Christian, was very Druidic.
More recently, I have been attempting to improve my relationships with Nature Spirits in a more focussed way. I now have a house of my own, and have had the opportunity to plant trees and shrubs around my house. Unfortunately, the previous owner had cut all of the old growth trees down, and I had this desperate need to find healing for our little slice of land. I've been fiercely trying to protect my little leaf babies, and hopefully they will continue to thrive this year. I've been meditating with them, and although I haven't received much in the way of feedback other than a sense of unconditional love, I'm open to seeing what wisdom they have to impart. I feel as though my Druidry has brought a name and a reason to the feeling that I was always more of a part of the natural world than this human one we have so carelessly constructed.
The way by which I am most in touch with the Nature Spirits, however, is actually indoors. I have two cats (Bosco and Maya) and two dogs (Boober and Farley), and they teach me more about myself than would have ever thought possible. Farley especially. Farley has an intense anxiety problem, which he comes by honestly, as so does his fur-mom (also known as, yours truly). I suspect I may have had something to do with that when he was a puppy, but we both lean on each other to help relieve the other's anxiety. Our favourite thing to do when we've just had enough is let out a big ol' howl. I'm sure the neighbours love us. But we have this thing when we howl that feels so instinctual. I can tell how he's feeling by the sounds he makes, the pitch of his voice; he tries to meet my voice's tune and volume exactly. It feels like being part of a wolf pack. Figuring out how to be the alpha-critter in my house has been no small feat, as you have to “be” them. I can't figure out how to solve problems between the four of them until I think like a cat or a dog. Sometimes I have to literally get down on their level and communicate with them that way. It has been the greatest lesson in so many ways, but mostly in compassion. All four of them live precisely in this very moment, and love unconditionally as a result. They connect me to my Druidism by bringing out my inner "wild". I try to live up to their perception of me.
My relationship with the ancestors is admittedly the one I have the most difficulty with. I don't feel especially close to my family, with a few exceptions, and I keep those people in mind when I talk about ancestors. Mostly, though, my ancestors are ones of heart. They include those from which I have learned much, despite their distance or passing (Paramahansa Yogananada, Mohandas K. Gandhi, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Farley Mowat), and those of different species (my pets who have gone over the Rainbow Bridge). I hold these ancestors of heart, who have made me so much who I am, in the same high regard as those of blood.
My actual ancestors came from Kircubbin in Northern Ireland around the time of the potato famine. I've been to the gravesite of my namesakes, and, interestingly enough, I still live within a 20 kilometre radius of those who arrived in Canada around 200 years ago. The place they settled looks actually very similar to Ireland; rolling hills, green valleys and dramatic shorelines. I can see why they picked it. I was also married in the church that my family attended when they arrived in Canada. I just felt so drawn to that place, and now I understand why. This island is my ancestral home, and I didn't realize the significance of this until I began to study Druidry. I have only lived outside of my current hometown while I was away at school, and while the place I lived in was very wild in comparison to my current, more urban habitation, I felt very ill at ease. In fact, I generally feel strange whenever I am visiting a place that is outside of the shores of Lake Ontario.
I feel as though my ancestors still play a part in my life and my life's plan. Certain things have worked out for me along my life that felt as though someone “up there” had had a hand in it. I feel on some level it is possible that I have known some of them for many lifetimes.
I hope that, in the future, I can continue to know each of the Shining Ones in new and creative ways. I really feel as though I am open and ready to receive whatever they would have me know or do, but I am trying to be intentionally slow at building these relationships. I want to be respectful, and I'm hoping that my patience and work will pay off in developing both my relationships with the Shining Ones, as well as the relationship with myself.
March 25, 2013
Life, The Universe, and Everything.
I haven't been writing lately because I'm in a bit of a rut. (More like totally in the ditch). I can't seem to dig myself out of it, and it's so, so tiring. I feel like I spend my energy trying to "save up my energy", but I'm dragging my feet really hard.
I dunno why I'm writing this. Maybe someone will have some great idea that I haven't tried yet or something. It just feels weird not to put what I need out to the universe, so I do. I don't feel very useful to anyone, including myself... I can't help but thinking, "What if this never goes away, no matter how hard I try?" I don't want to permanently feel like shit... that's just not my MO. Do I take the drugs? Do I not take the drugs? Do I continue with this therapy or that?
I don't know anymore, not that I ever did. What the hell is going on?!
Maybe I just need to get the hell out of here.
I dunno why I'm writing this. Maybe someone will have some great idea that I haven't tried yet or something. It just feels weird not to put what I need out to the universe, so I do. I don't feel very useful to anyone, including myself... I can't help but thinking, "What if this never goes away, no matter how hard I try?" I don't want to permanently feel like shit... that's just not my MO. Do I take the drugs? Do I not take the drugs? Do I continue with this therapy or that?
I don't know anymore, not that I ever did. What the hell is going on?!
Maybe I just need to get the hell out of here.
March 16, 2013
Best. Anti-infective. Ever.
If you're like me and you practically run a zoo out of your house, you're probably prone to nasty little infect-y cuts. Here's my awesome completely natural cure for infected injuries. No antibiotics involved!
Probably goes without saying that this should only be used on limbs. I don't imagine this would be too fun to accidentally get up your vajay. Or in your eye. Yeow.
- As much warm water as you need to submerge the thing run in the bathtub
- 7-10 drops of Tea Tree Oil (careful, this stuff is freaking potent)
- 1/4 cup of epsom salts
- 1-2 tablespoons of Aloe Vera gel
Soak your injured part for about 20 minutes or so. Rinse THOROUGHLY. You don't wanna have that TTO siting on your skin for longer than necessary. NASTY shit.
TMI warning: I get those infected toenails a lot because my dogs always seem to step on my feet (you would too if you had a 100 pound goldendoodle) and I'm just generally hard on my feet. (I think I've ripped a toenail half off at least twice this past month). This works much better than any antibiotic cream, alcohol, or hydrogen peroxide. Like, a LOT better. I usually have relief the next day, where I might be fighting one off for weeks otherwise. One or two of these footbaths and it's usually cured. I guess though, if you think about it, I don't imagine much WOULD live given the ingredients I listed. Tea Tree Oil would pull the chrome off a Buick. If you're the sufferer of a inadvertently removed toenail, also keeping it moist with a bandaid and a little moisturizer piled under the bandaid 24/7, and liberally, helps it grow back through soft skin.
Probably goes without saying that this should only be used on limbs. I don't imagine this would be too fun to accidentally get up your vajay. Or in your eye. Yeow.
- As much warm water as you need to submerge the thing run in the bathtub
- 7-10 drops of Tea Tree Oil (careful, this stuff is freaking potent)
- 1/4 cup of epsom salts
- 1-2 tablespoons of Aloe Vera gel
Soak your injured part for about 20 minutes or so. Rinse THOROUGHLY. You don't wanna have that TTO siting on your skin for longer than necessary. NASTY shit.
TMI warning: I get those infected toenails a lot because my dogs always seem to step on my feet (you would too if you had a 100 pound goldendoodle) and I'm just generally hard on my feet. (I think I've ripped a toenail half off at least twice this past month). This works much better than any antibiotic cream, alcohol, or hydrogen peroxide. Like, a LOT better. I usually have relief the next day, where I might be fighting one off for weeks otherwise. One or two of these footbaths and it's usually cured. I guess though, if you think about it, I don't imagine much WOULD live given the ingredients I listed. Tea Tree Oil would pull the chrome off a Buick. If you're the sufferer of a inadvertently removed toenail, also keeping it moist with a bandaid and a little moisturizer piled under the bandaid 24/7, and liberally, helps it grow back through soft skin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)